Trump Lashes Out at the Pope AGAIN, Posts an A.I. Jesus Pic AGAIN & Distracts from Iran AGAIN!

0:02 [cheering]

0:03 That's very kind.

0:03 Thank you.

0:04 Thank you for watching.

0:05 Thanks for coming out to see us.

0:07 And I'm home here in um please relax AND BEAUTIFUL SUNNY SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

0:14 I'M

0:15 [cheering]

0:15 glad you're in a good mood.

0:16 You know, it's April 15th.

0:17 It's tax day.

0:19 Uh although you could make a case that every

0:21 day since November of 2024 has been taxing,

0:24 but today is officially that special time of the year

0:27 when we all pitch in to pay for Melania's new plane.

0:32 Why is it I was thinking about this today.

0:33 Why is it we don't learn about we learn nothing about taxes in high school?

0:38 Instead we are we learn how to calculate the volume of a cylinder.

0:42 That's not helpful.

0:44 Hey, here's a fun tax day tip.

0:45 Take however much you owed in taxes this year.

0:48 Let's say you owed $50,000.

0:49 Subtract that number from the same number subtract $50,000 from $50,000.

0:55 And you know what you get?

0:57 You get the amount Donald Trump paid in taxes this year.

1:01 Tax filing is next week.

1:02 And if you listen to the people,

1:03 they can't believe all the money they're getting back in the form of refunds.

1:07 The number is 5,000, 6,000, 7,000 dollars.

1:12 So, be careful.

1:13 Get the money back and remember who got it for you.

1:17 [laughter] The guy who drove us another 3 trillion dollars into debt?

1:19 Is that the guy?

1:21 He got it for us.

1:22 That's our money.

1:23 You didn't get anything for us.

1:25 You take from us.

1:26 That's all you do.

1:27 Remember 10 years ago?

1:31 [applause]

1:30 It's funny how we just let this go, but 10 years ago when Trump was running,

1:34 he said he couldn't release his taxes because they were still under audit,

1:38 which was unverifiable,

1:40 but he said he would as soon as they weren't being audited, and he didn't.

1:43 And what Remember when we found out he paid a total

1:46 of $750 in taxes in 2016 and $750,000 not thousand, $750 in 2017.

1:55 Every president since Jimmy Carter has released his tax

1:58 returns while in office with only one exception.

2:02 You want to guess who it is?

2:04 Has the president filed his taxes and is he going to release them publicly?

2:08 It's actually a very good question.

2:09 I have not inquired with the president directly about his own taxes,

2:13 but I'm happy to do so and I'll get you an answer on that.

2:15 Yes.

2:15 And you you will never hear from me again because [laughter] although I will say

2:20 Trump's accountant said his tax returns are

2:22 the strongest and healthiest returns he's ever seen.

2:25 They're hung like a horse.

2:27 He has no dependents but a lot of depends and I'm sure he'll be paying plenty.

2:33 Lots of stores offered tax day deals today.

2:36 Krispy Kreme had a deal today where if you buy

2:38 a dozen donuts you get a second dozen free and I

2:41 think we can all agree that there is nothing more American

2:43 than paying your taxes and then eating 24 donuts by yourself.

2:49 There are thousands and thousands of licensed

2:52 tax professionals here in the United States.

2:54 That's a lot of competition which means some

2:56 of them around this time of the year,

2:58 like this clever shop out of Houston, have to get creative.

3:03 [music] Come and file your taxes.

3:04 Come and file your taxes.

3:05 You know you won't that.

3:07 Cash advance.

3:09 You won't that cash advance.

3:10 You better off file file [music] file file file.

3:14 Hey hey hey hey hey.

3:17 File [music and singing] file file file file.

3:19 Hey hey hey hey hey.

3:22 Come to Ballston.

3:23 We going to hook you up.

3:25 We going to make sure you get that max refund.

3:28 You got a couple kids and you a [music] single baby mom.

3:31 Don't worry about it little girl.

3:32 That's my job.

3:37 [applause and cheering]

3:42 Ernst& Young are a lot more fun than I would have guessed.

3:46 Meanwhile our Darth Vader president is lashing out at the Pope again.

3:49 This is is he operates.

3:50 He does something dumb.

3:52 Everyone around him tries to clean it up for him,

3:54 and then he just does it again.

3:55 He's mad at the Pope for being against

3:57 war and lashed out last night just before midnight,

4:02 which is not helping his I'm not the Antichrist campaign.

4:06 And then this morning, you know that image Trump posted of himself

4:08 as Jesus and claimed it was a doctor.

4:10 Well, this time uh he posted another one.

4:12 It was not him as Jesus, but with Jesus.

4:15 He posted this image of Jesus quietly begging him to stop.

4:23 [laughter]

4:23 And you know, I don't know if you know

4:24 this, but he you know he thinks artists make these.

4:27 He thinks they're paintings.

4:29 For real.

4:29 He doesn't realize this is an AI thing.

4:31 And check out the chin and cheekbones on Somebody is [laughter]

4:36 Somebody's been looksmaxing uh Here's another one.

4:39 Trump didn't post this, but I'm sure he will get to it.

4:42 This one shows Jesus looking over Trump's

4:44 shoulders as he reads the Epstein files.

4:47 He's like,

4:49 [laughter]

4:48 "You're going to hell for this and this and this." You know,

4:52 it's been A LONG TIME

4:55 [cheering] [applause] SINCE GOD SMITED SOMEONE.

4:59 We are now on day three of Hormuzapalooza.

5:02 We still can't seem to get a straight answer on what's going on over there.

5:05 Trump says the strait is closed, but he also says it's open.

5:08 It's whatever you want it to be.

5:10 Gas prices are sky-high, but our Secretary of Energy, Chris Wright,

5:14 is confident that whatever the president is doing is good, even if it isn't.

5:19 God bless President Trump's agenda and willingness to pivot.

5:23 Just because it looks like we're going the wrong

5:25 direction does not mean that's the direction we're going.

5:30 [laughter] THIS IS WHY HIS WIFE WON'T DRIVE WITH HIM.

5:37 [laughter] Trump is desperate to change the narrative right now

5:40 and sat for a doozy of an interview with Maria Bartiromo,

5:43 who, like everyone, is curious as to when this war might be over.

5:48 I had to divert because if I didn't do

5:50 that, right now you would have Iran with a nuclear weapon.

5:54 And if they had a nuclear weapon,

5:56 you would be calling everybody over there, sir.

5:59 And you don't want to do that.

6:00 Well, you keep saying was.

6:01 Is this war over?

6:03 I think it's close to over.

6:05 Yeah, I I mean, I view it as very close to over.

6:08 Honestly, Maria, I have no idea what's happening or or what I'm doing.

6:12 I said COVID was over 2 years before it was over.

6:15 Did you know that before they made me president, I hosted a reality TV show?

6:19 Did you see that Britain suffered

6:21 the biggest growth forecast downgrade in the G7?

6:24 Yeah, well.

6:25 So, their economy's impacted.

6:27 It's the UK.

6:28 I would say this, they got to stop with the windmills

6:31 and they got to open up the North Sea.

6:36 They got to stop with the windmills.

6:37 You have to stop with the windmills.

6:39 What is with HIM AND THE WINDMILLS?

6:41 EVERY [cheering] [applause]

6:43 EVERY PROBLEM comes back to windmills.

6:47 Every day I become more convinced that Trump's father used to beat

6:49 him with a miniature golf club in the shadow of a windmill.

6:54 And then Don Quixote managed to steer the conversation

6:57 into yet another of his old man story loops.

7:00 You can call it the Strait of Hormuz or the Hormuz Strait.

7:04 I said, "Which is better?" They said,

7:05 "Either is okay, but you can call it either one.

7:08 The only thing you can't call it is the Trump Strait.

7:11 They don't like that idea." By the way,

7:13 speaking of that, I did another thing

7:15 that people like very much except for Mexico.

7:18 I took the Gulf of Mexico, we now call it the Gulf of America.

7:22 That's not bad.

7:23 What did they Wow, thanks for telling us.

7:25 I don't think you've ever mentioned that before.

7:28 Guillermo, did you know he changed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America?

7:31 No idea.

7:32 Oh, wow.

7:33 And no one calls him on it.

7:34 Everyone just nods like it's the first time they've heard this.

7:37 I don't know if you've noticed,

7:38 but he's also now laying the groundwork for his excuse for why

7:42 it won't be his fault when the Republicans lose the midterms.

7:46 Why is it that a voter votes for the opposite party?

7:50 It's even when you have a good president.

7:51 I think I had the greatest year,

7:52 the greatest opening year I read the greatest look, I ended eight wars.

7:59 A ninth is coming, but I ended eight wars.

8:02 Nobody's ever ended one war.

8:04 Who's ended one?

8:04 Nobody.

8:05 I ended eight.

8:09 [laughter]

8:08 That's right, nobody's Every war in history is

8:11 still going on because no one ever ended one.

8:15 Except him who ended eight by And a ninth is coming.

8:18 Do you get credit for ending a war you started?

8:21 I don't think you do.

8:22 This war is going so poorly for Trump,

8:24 he may need Melania to hold another surprise press

8:26 conference just to get Epstein back in the news again.

8:30 Trump's now former Attorney General Pam Bondi could

8:33 be held in contempt for failing to testify.

8:36 She was supposed to appear before the House Oversight Committee yesterday.

8:40 The Department of Justice is claiming that she's allowed

8:42 to ignore their subpoena because she's no longer Attorney General,

8:46 which is not how it go If you work at Starbucks and you punch a customer,

8:51 you can't just quit and say [laughter]

8:54 Barista me punched that dude.

8:55 Regular me is off the hook.

8:58 It's [applause] [cheering] Pam Bondi has a lot to answer for.

9:03 [applause] More than a year ago,

9:05 she claimed she had the Epstein client list sitting on her desk.

9:08 That was her quote, and then all of a sudden she didn't have it.

9:11 Unfortunately, Republicans on the committee like Lauren Boebert and Tim

9:15 Burchett are indicating they may let her off the hook,

9:17 which is our They forced Hillary Clinton to testify.

9:21 Pam Bondi needs to show up and lie under oath just as scheduled.

9:27 [laughter] And then we HAVE J.D.

9:28 VANCE [applause and cheering] WHO ACCORDING TO THE LATEST polling [applause]

9:32 is the least popular vice president in more than two decades.

9:35 Weirdly, Americans don't seem to be responding to J.D.'s infectious charisma.

9:40 Maybe maybe it's time for a new eyeliner.

9:43 I don't know, but J.D.

9:45 Vance may be deeply unpopular, but you wouldn't know it from this sitting

9:48 room only crowd in um Athens, Georgia yesterday.

9:52 I I I it doesn't bother me when he speaks on issues of the day.

9:56 Frankly, even when I disagree with how he's applying natural principles.

9:59 So,

10:00 There were more people in the theater to see the Melania documentary than J.D.

10:03 Vance.

10:04 J.D.

10:05 has had a rough week.

10:08 [applause] He failed to make a deal to end the war in Iran.

10:10 He had to defend Trump um bashing the Pope and the AI Jesus stuff.

10:14 And now he's made it his job to try to pretend

10:16 his boss wasn't a close friend of the world's most notorious pedophile.

10:21 One of the emails is about Donald Trump

10:23 narking on Jeffrey Epstein to the local sheriff saying, "This guy's a scumbag.

10:27 You should go and pick him up." So,

10:29 when Donald Trump says when the president says,

10:32 "This is a hoax." He's not saying it's a hoax that Epstein was a scumbag.

10:35 He's not saying that it's a hoax that Epstein was connected to powerful people.

10:40 He's saying this democratic idea that somehow he

10:43 was Epstein's best friend, THAT IS A HOAX.

10:47 OH, NOW IT'S CLEAR.

10:47 They weren't best friends.

10:49 They were just extremely horny acquaintances together.

10:53 [laughter] By the way, do you think Trump and J.D.

10:54 Vance have ever had a conversation about this where J.D.

10:57 asked him, "What was it what actually

10:59 happened with Jeffrey Epstein?" Not a chance.

11:01 He's pulling every bit of this out of his ass.

11:04 If you look at the emails, it's obvious that Jeffrey Epstein hated Donald J.

11:08 Trump.

11:08 And And by the way, one of the best

11:11 signs for whether you're a good person or not,

11:14 for whether you're a decent human being,

11:16 is if the worst people in the world hate your guts.

11:18 The fact that Jeffrey Epstein hates Donald J.

11:20 Trump is a pretty good thing for Donald J.

11:22 Trump.

11:23 What does it say if the Pope doesn't like you?

11:25 Is that a good sign?

11:30 [applause]

11:28 For Donald [cheering] J.

11:29 Trump?

11:32 For Donald J.

11:32 Trump.

11:34 Whenever they say Donald J.

11:35 Trump, that's when you know something is up.

11:38 Not only has Trump publicly said Jeffrey Epstein was a terrific

11:41 guy who was a lot of fun to hang around with.

11:43 Not only do they have Epstein on tape saying,

11:45 "I was Donald's closest friend for 10 years." There is

11:48 a video tape of them dancing and checking out chicks together.

11:53 And you can see how intensely the dislike is here.

11:56 Then look at them.

11:57 Look at those two non-friends having a terrible time.

12:01 And he's still dancing around Epstein many, many years later.

12:04 You know, there are a lot of cooks in this Trump administration.

12:07 Somehow though, they keep coming.

12:08 My new favorite character is this guy Greg Phillips.

12:11 I don't know if you've been following this story,

12:13 but Greg Phillips is a a Trump-loving He's third-in-command

12:16 at FEMA who claims to have teleported to a Waffle House.

12:22 And not just a Waffle House.

12:23 He said he once collapsed at a Lowe's and woke up

12:27 at a McDonald's with 15,000 steps logged and a Big Mac in his lap.

12:33 And CNN says he said Satan once spoke to him while he walked across Spain.

12:38 Um now, since CNN broke the story,

12:40 the White House reportedly told FEMA to either

12:42 remove Phillips or keep him out of public view.

12:45 And if you're wondering how crazy a member of the Trump

12:47 club has to be to be kept out of public view, the answer is this much.

12:52 So, I'm uh a few hundred meters from the location

12:56 where they had the encounter with with Satan.

13:01 Katherine, can I say something?

13:03 Mhm.

13:03 I would like to punch that in the mouth right now.

13:06 Who are we talking about?

13:08 I He is a nasty crappy human being and he deserves to die and I hope he does.

13:15 Satan lied to me.

13:16 He convinced me to pour out my water bottle to reduce my pack weight.

13:19 I tell you, teleporting is no fun.

13:21 I end up at a Waffle House like 50 miles away from where I was.

13:25 They said, "Where are you?" I said, "A Waffle House." I said, I said,

13:28 "W- Waffle House where?" And I said,

13:30 "Waffle House in Rome, Georgia." They said, "That's not possible.

13:33 You just left here like a moment ago." But it was possible.

13:36 It was real.

13:37 Oh, yeah.

13:38 We believe you.

13:38 Of course it was real.

13:41 Uh can you imagine that when an emergency happens,

13:43 this man is third in command in the whole country?

13:46 Just when you think this administration can't get any nuttier.

13:50 Excuse me.

13:51 I ORDERED A SAUSAGE LINK WITH THIS.

13:55 [laughter] HEY, WHERE THE HELL AM I?

14:00 [laughter]

13:59 WAIT A MINUTE.

14:00 ARE YOU Craig Phillips from FEMA?

14:04 Yes.

14:03 Wait, are you Jimmy Fallon?

14:05 Close enough.

14:06 Close enough.

14:07 We were just talking about you.

14:09 Where am I?

14:11 You're in a Hollywood.

14:12 You're in a television studio.

14:14 How did I get here?

14:16 I don't know how you got here.

14:17 I've no idea.

14:19 What's this?

14:19 I was just at a Waffle House eating an All-Star Breakfast Combo, as you can see.

14:23 And now I'm here.

14:26 I think I might have teleported.

14:28 But Greg, though, that's crazy.

14:30 So there must be some other explanation.

14:33 That's not what Satan told me at the Masters.

14:36 You spoke to Satan at the Masters?

14:38 Did Satan play golf?

14:39 No, no, no.

14:40 But all his friends do.

14:42 Oh.

14:43 [laughter] And you'll never guess what he told

14:44 me about our nation's greatest president, Donald J.

14:47 Trump.

14:49 What did he tell you?

14:50 Can I speak freely?

14:51 Oh, yes.

14:51 You are among friends here.

14:52 Go ahead.

14:56 Good.

14:55 The dark lord told me that the Epstein files were written

14:58 by a secret cabal of radical leftist TRANSGENDER ILLUMINATIS WHO ARE PLOTTING TO

15:08 GREG?

15:10 WHAT ARE THEY PLOTTING, GREG?

15:11 WHAT ARE THEY [applause] [cheering] I DON'T KNOW.

15:15 I I GUESS WE'LL NEVER FIND OUT.

15:18 GUILLERMO, when a man comes crawling at me on the floor,

15:21 aren't you supposed to do something about it?

15:23 As a Well, he disappeared too fast.

15:25 Oh, okay.

15:27 You know, with all this madness happening,

15:28 it's easy to forget that ICE is still out there

15:31 rounding people up and sending them who the hell knows where.

15:34 But, there are also still Americans out there fighting the good fight.

15:38 You know, in February,

15:39 the protesters in Minneapolis held an event called Operation Dildo Blitz.

15:44 They brought a battalion of rubber sex toys.

15:47 Sometimes you have to fight dildos with dildos,

15:50 and I guess this idea is catching on because

15:53 there've been dildo blitzes in This is um Los Angeles.

15:57 There's a dildo blitz.

15:58 Uh that one is another one here in LA.

16:01 In Portland, Oregon, there were just dildos all over the place.

16:06 Where they get these dildos?

16:07 I don't know.

16:07 Maybe from the Rudy Giuliani collection,

16:09 but it's a nice and harmless way to let ICE know what you think of them.

16:15 I mean, all those This El Niño is nuts, right?

16:17 ALL THE DILDOS OH, GREG, WHAT'S GOING ON?

16:23 YOU'RE BACK?

16:24 What I guess so.

16:26 Were you in Hawaii?

16:29 Uh no, I was at a Hawaiian-themed wedding IN ORLANDO.

16:32 OH.

16:32 ALOHA, EVERYONE.

16:34 OKAY, GOOD.

16:34 SHOULD YOU maybe teleport back to FEMA

16:37 headquarters to get ready for the hurricane season?

16:40 Yeah, I probably should.

16:42 Uh here, hold my hand.

16:45 Okay, thank you.

16:46 And uh [laughter]

16:49 This dildo is all that's so many uh crazy glued to my car windshield.

16:53 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:53 You know, you can keep that.

16:54 Why don't you take that back to FEMA?

16:56 Sure?

16:56 Yeah, I think the gang back there would like it, HUH?

16:58 ALEXA, TELEPORT.

17:02 ALL RIGHT.

17:02 WELL, THERE YOU GO.

17:03 WELL, WE HAVE a good show for you tonight.

17:05 Paul Walter [cheering] Hauser is here.

17:07 We got ham for everybody.

17:08 We'll be right back with Bob Odenkirk.

17:18 [music]