1 hour of greendale being greendale | Community | Comedy Bites

0:00 It was a messed up place.

0:01 We have lockers.

0:02 Yeah, we're survivors.

0:06 My name is Professor Robin Swim.

0:08 Who's ready to learn?

0:10 Dean, this is not the way to agree on parking for the job fair.

0:15 It's inhumane.

0:17 Do you have a better idea, Britta?

0:19 Yes, thousands of them.

0:21 Vicki to Queen three.

0:24 Nay.

0:30 [sighs] [gasps]

0:32 That's all for today.

0:33 Read chapter four.

0:39 Okay, we just can't ignore that.

0:50 [music]

0:53 Bananas?

0:53 Yes.

0:53 Toast?

0:54 Yes.

0:55 Bulgum?

0:56 Yes.

0:56 A pancakes?

0:57 Yes.

0:58 Fries?

0:59 Get out.

1:01 Get out.

1:03 There's one every year.

1:04 I will not tolerate clowning.

1:06 Car keys?

1:07 Yes.

1:08 Okay, last bathroom break.

1:09 We have got to cram for Excuse me, sir.

1:15 Can we GET TO OUR SADDLE YOUR BONES, RUFUS.

1:21 WE GOT A long road tomorrow.

1:24 Welcome.

1:30 Ladders.

1:34 Interesting.

1:38 Just want to see if we got the same thing.

1:40 It sounds as though this Greendale had quite an effect on all of you.

1:44 You should all definitely stop dwelling on it if you want to be healthy.

1:47 Well, come on.

1:48 It wasn't all bad.

1:50 I was there longer than anybody and I'm fine.

1:52 How are you?

1:53 Why do you ask?

1:54 3:30.

1:56 [laughter]

1:57 Uh-oh.

1:56 What Pierce was saying before he started sundowning is true.

2:00 We can't just pass the crazy buck to Greendale.

2:02 It could be a good place, too.

2:04 That really doesn't matter.

2:05 Yeah, we have a lot of memories of Greendale being in our corner.

2:08 Dyna Lang, I just wanted to drop by and tell y'all we ought to be

2:11 hot stepping it out of the parking lot in a brisk but orderly fashion.

2:15 Is there a fire drill?

2:16 No, sir, there's an actual fire.

2:18 I wanted you guys to be the first to know before I tell everyone else.

2:21 I know it's not right to play favorites,

2:22 BUT IT'S NO MORE right to sit on your feelings,

2:24 and I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

2:26 WHOA!

2:27 OKAY, FIRE!

2:28 FIRE!

2:28 THERE'S A FIRE!

2:38 DARCY, you've got a cold.

2:40 I feel fine.

2:41 YOU'RE SICK.

2:41 GO HOME.

2:42 Get out of here.

2:43 GET OUT OF HERE.

2:43 GET OUT OF HERE.

2:44 GET OUT OF [screaming] HERE!

2:46 CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT HERE TOO LATE FOR PIZZA.

2:48 Worst pizza day ever.

2:50 Oh, darn it.

2:52 What am I going to do with all this garbage?

2:57 It's me.

2:58 The Dean.

3:00 I pulled the last six pieces of pizza for you.

3:05 OH, BACK TO GARBAGE DETAIL.

3:08 We have a few students with birthdays today, but hey, why single them out?

3:12 What about the students who aren't celebrating anything at all?

3:15 Are they any less special?

3:20 [clears throat]

3:20 Troy and Jeffry and Annie and Britta and Shirley and Pierce and Abed and Jeffry,

3:27 just a few of the most special students IN THE WORLD.

3:36 [screaming] DAGNABBIT, I GOT A SLUGS.

3:37 NEXT time I'll put you square, you pickle sucking McGillicutty.

3:43 Why did you save me, Dean?

3:45 I know how important paintball is to you, Abed.

3:48 I wanted you to win.

3:49 It's not important anymore.

3:51 I get it now.

3:52 It just feels forced.

3:54 You just enjoy your prize.

3:57 Free tickets to

3:59 [laughter]

3:59 to see Chicago at the Greendale Civic Center with George Wendt and

4:07 [laughter and cough] Stephanie Powers.

4:12 [snorts] Lay!

4:18 Okay, that was great, but you really didn't need to go into it.

4:22 We should get dressed before the third-shift librarian shows up.

4:26 Yeah, we don't want this to turn into a letter to Penthouse, right?

4:29 I think the group is right.

4:30 We did need to relieve some tension.

4:36 Please tell me you didn't have sex with me to win at paintball.

4:39 No, I had sex with you and now I'm going to win at paintball.

4:41 Don't be gross.

4:42 I'm gross?

4:43 You seem pretty practiced at putting on panties one-handed while holding a gun.

4:48 Can I get dressed before you assassinate me?

4:53 So, all that happened it meant nothing to you?

4:57 I didn't say that.

4:59 What did it mean to you?

5:00 I asked you first.

5:01 Very mature.

5:02 Said the woman wearing the Hello Kitty underwear.

5:03 Said the woman holding the gun.

5:06 You sure that's a gun?

5:08 Maybe it's a metaphor for your fake jaded persona.

5:12 Uh-oh.

5:14 No paintballs, huh?

5:16 You think I'm stupid?

5:17 When did you take my clip?

5:18 started seducing me.

5:19 I wasn't though.

5:20 Assuming that makes you way grosser.

5:22 Not when I'm right.

5:27 [singing] [singing] [music] [music]

5:51 Ah!

5:50 What is this, children?

5:52 You'll be happy to know you made it all the way till the end.

5:55 YOU'RE NOT EVEN A STUDENT.

5:56 WRONG.

5:57 CRITICAL media literacy and politics OF GENDER,[ __] GIVE ME YOUR CLIP.

6:05 OH, YEAH, THAT WOULD BE brilliant of me.

6:07 Look, you got the drop on me.

6:09 I lost.

6:10 Let me do this for you.

6:16 [snorts] Be pretty crazy if I shot you right now, huh?

6:25 [music] [music] [laughter]

6:56 What's so funny, Chang?

6:58 Maybe it's the fact there's no such thing as priority registration.

7:01 Or maybe it's this.

7:06 Ta-da!

7:12 [laughter] [laughter] Dean!

7:36 Just one moment.

7:41 Oh, hi there, Jeffrey.

7:45 That's a good look for you.

7:46 Everybody out there is shooting each other for nothing

7:52 while you sit here in your ivory tower.

7:57 Jeffrey, I can explain.

7:58 I messed up when I promised priority registration.

8:00 Apparently, it's a violation of some student equality act.

8:03 But, this isn't.

8:06 Ta-da!

8:07 Okay, now it's not Blu-ray, but it comes with its OWN REMOTE, SO

8:16 [music]

8:16 JEFFREY!

8:19 JEFFREY!

8:21 JEFFREY!

8:23 JEFFREY!

8:27 [panting] YOU GET IT ALL OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM?

8:42 [laughter] ALMOST.

8:48 What do you want from me, Jeffrey?

8:50 Guess.

8:53 Ah, quick announcement for two of Greendale's finest.

8:58 Payday is postponed until next week, so this is my freestyle rap apology.

9:05 Well, I'm a peanut bar,

9:06 and I'm here to say your checks will arrive on another day.

9:10 Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar.

9:12 Another stuffed shirt with another WHITE COLLAR.

9:14 CRIMINALS, WALL STREET, TAKING THE PIE.

9:16 AND ALL THE BLACK MAN GETS IS A PLATE OF WHITE LIES.

9:19 PRISONS recruiting them, police be shooting THEM,

9:21 RAP ARTISTS LOOTING THEM, LABELS ALL DILUTING THEM.

9:23 BARACK OBAMA IS SCARED OF ME CUZ I

9:26 DON'T SWALLOW KNOWLEDGE AND I SPIT IT WITH GLEE.

9:29 LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT.

9:32 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.

9:33 I DON'T I DON'T KNOW that was.

9:40 [laughter] One of us is about to win this game.

9:50 But years from now when the story's retold,

9:54 all they're going to remember is one of us

9:57 loved clothes and the other loved the game.

10:08 [screaming] [screaming] [screaming] [music] [music] [cheering] [applause]

11:11 Look at me.

11:12 Look at me.

11:13 You beat me.

11:15 From now on, you play pool dressed however you choose.

11:19 I choose shorts.

11:21 I CHOOSE SHORTS.

11:24 SHORTS.

11:25 Son [snorts] of a[ __] YOU MAGNIFICENT SON OF A[ __] OH.

11:34 OH.

11:38 Let me get your number here.

11:39 Okay, you're sweating.

11:40 All right.

11:43 [laughter] Nice game.

11:49 Thanks.

11:49 Look, I I hope this doesn't sound too forward,

11:52 but um could you introduce me to your friend?

12:02 You know what?

12:04 I I know that guy's MO and I think it's better for you introduce yourself.

12:08 Okay.

12:13 Hi.

12:13 Hi.

12:14 Courtney.

12:15 Abbott.

12:19 Man, why couldn't I be brown [music] Joey?

12:26 So cute.

12:28 And I don't even normally like dreadlocks.

12:30 Hello.

12:33 His dreadlocks remind me of the predator.

12:36 Which is weird because you're doing the actual hunting.

12:39 And you seem invisible to him.

12:42 Abbott, you know what I do?

12:44 Before I talk, I ask myself,

12:46 what am I about to say and how might it affect each person listening?

12:50 I'm really glad you said that, Britta.

12:51 The idea that you compulsively filter yourself makes

12:53 you like a flavor kind of a flavor.

12:57 Sorry, guys.

12:58 They ran out again.

13:00 Something's got to be done.

13:02 Oh, I look like Hey.

13:05 Oh, you the man.

13:06 You the man.

13:07 What the hell, man?

13:10 That's half our problem right there.

13:12 Starburns works the fryer and skims fingers.

13:15 No way.

13:16 He gives them to people just so they'll act like he isn't Starburns.

13:19 Well, I may not eat meat, but I'm not going to eat that injustice.

13:23 Let's complain.

13:24 If we complain, he gets a warning and learns to be sneakier.

13:27 I say we knock him out of the kitchen and replace

13:29 him with one of our own all in one move.

13:31 Then we're the ones with the chicken.

13:33 It's like a mafia movie.

13:34 As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

13:38 Cool.

13:38 That's exactly what it's like, Abed, and you get the most important job.

13:42 You're going to be fried cook.

13:43 We may be watching different mafia movies.

13:45 You worked in your dad's restaurant, right?

13:46 Well, you'll apply for the job after we get Starburns fired.

13:54 Every day you flock here like sheep and wait

13:56 in line for a broken promise from a dirty system.

13:59 Back in those days, Jeff Winger was the guy that made things happen.

14:02 He always knew what to say, and he always knew when to slap the table.

14:05 You want to be sheep?

14:06 Keep flocking.

14:07 You want to be wolves?

14:09 Form a pack.

14:10 That was it.

14:11 It was that simple.

14:12 At that moment, we stopped being a family and started being a family.

14:16 in italics Britta got cozy with Starburns.

14:21 He lowered his guard.

14:25 He was gone.

14:28 I mean, the way Jeff saw it,

14:29 by not respecting us, Starburns had basically brought it on himself.

14:32 And when his job opened up,

14:34 we did what we had to do to keep the list of applicants to a minimum.

14:38 I had worked in my dad's falafel restaurant,

14:40 so I had a pretty impressive resume.

14:41 It's very impressive.

14:42 Especially your reference.

14:44 This is getting a call right now, but we weren't taking any chances.

14:48 The fix was in.

14:49 Trump Tower, this is Donald.

14:52 Well, I could deep fry the hell out of chicken, I could tell you that.

14:55 Troy even applied for the same job and gave

14:56 the world's worst interview just to make me look better.

15:00 And that was that.

15:02 This was a glorious time.

15:04 No more racing to the cafeteria, no more lines.

15:06 To us, lines were for suckers, hacks, sheep.

15:09 We were wolves.

15:12 And we had the chicken to prove it.

15:17 To victory.

15:18 It feels unfamiliar, but it tastes like chicken.

15:25 Hi.

15:27 Hello.

15:27 [clears throat] You guys are lucky.

15:28 They're always running out.

15:30 Would you like one?

15:31 May I, Shirley?

15:33 Memorize it.

15:34 I will, Shirley.

15:36 See that, ladies?

15:37 The universe goes by supply and demand.

15:40 The more you take and use, the more it sends.

15:43 Somebody's been taking a little extra.

15:44 What's in that container?

15:45 Eight fingers?

15:46 Abed.

15:47 On that study group?

15:50 Why you giving Chang chicken?

15:51 We have an agreement.

15:52 But Abed, if you get caught skimming, you get fired.

15:54 We all go back to eating like Britta.

15:56 Yeah.

15:57 We put you in that jar.

15:59 I dressed like a crazy pharaoh for you, man.

16:01 You make the fingers, Abed, not the decisions.

16:03 I'm sorry.

16:04 It's okay, buddy.

16:05 But just remember, these things have power.

16:08 So just let me know next time you have any more agreements, all right?

16:11 Yeah.

16:12 I agreed to give Chang eight fingers for lunch in exchange

16:14 for a 10% bump on every Spanish test, for each of us.

16:17 Oh.

16:18 Okay.

16:19 Abed makes the fingers [music] and the decisions.

16:21 Yeah.

16:21 Yeah.

16:22 I could have passed Spanish.

16:26 [music] At Greendale, they were always out of chicken fingers.

16:33 So whoever could get them had power.

16:35 And I was the guy in the apron.

16:37 So I came up with a system,

16:38 and pretty soon half the chicken at Greendale was going out the side door.

16:42 Everybody in our crew had a job.

16:44 T-Bone was the bag man.

16:46 He'd move the fingers to a storeroom where two of the girls did the packaging.

16:49 We trusted them not to eat the supply because Britta was a vegetarian.

16:53 And Shirley figured that if she stole, she'd go to hell.

16:56 They'd hand the stuff out the window to Annie.

16:58 She was the leg man, the distributor.

17:02 The crazy thing was, it was their food.

17:05 And we were stealing it and giving it back to them like it was a big favor.

17:08 Nobody asked any questions because Pierce's experience as a CEO

17:12 had taught him how to keep the wheels from squeaking.

17:15 I had it all worked out on a schedule.

17:17 You know, I I've never been fired

17:18 The minute before you thought about busting us,

17:20 that was the minute you had chicken in your hand.

17:22 Really, it's just insulting that you're eating

17:24 his chicken fingers in front of me.

17:27 Anna, here's your switch.

17:29 Bring it here.

17:34 I'll make do.

17:35 Okay, let me have it.

17:37 I ain't no numb.

17:38 Bend over.

17:43 Drop your pants and get over my [music] lap.

17:46 All you have to do is walk away.

18:03 What are you doing?

18:04 She's respecting her elders.

18:06 See, Troy, did you think I was a hypocrite?

18:08 That I wouldn't really [screaming]

18:10 Okay, I [screaming] DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, BRITTA.

18:18 I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL.

18:23 [cheering and screaming]

18:24 YOU KNOW WHAT?

18:25 TOTALLY WRONG ROOM.

18:26 CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?

18:30 [screaming] OH, JEEZ, THAT ENOUGH.

18:40 HELLO, MR.

18:41 FROG.

18:42 Can I just borrow you for a second?

18:48 I'm Señor Chang.

18:51 Don't tell me that's NOT FUNNY.

18:56 HERE, FROGGY, FROGGY, FROGGY.

19:02 MR.

19:02 FROG?

19:06 REAL QUIET.

19:25 [screaming] THIS IS HORRIBLE.

19:30 IT'S HER BODY.

19:37 EXCUSE ME.

19:38 WHO are you guys?

19:39 This is not your office.

19:41 I can explain.

19:45 Let me explain.

20:02 Oh my god.

20:05 I didn't know what to do.

20:06 Oh my god.

20:08 [panting]

20:08 I usually have one foot out of reality, and even I'm freaking out right now.

20:11 YOU CHLOROFORM THE JANITOR?

20:12 STOP YELLING AT ME.

20:13 YOU'RE THE ONES THAT GOT US YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S YELLING.

20:15 WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

20:16 WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

20:17 OH, I don't know what to do.

20:18 MY WHOLE BRAIN IS CRYING.

20:22 GUYS, [laughter] GUYS, GUYS.

20:23 HEY, HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA.

20:25 OKAY, IT MAY SOUND A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT TRUST ME.

20:38 What's happening?

20:40 Ah, we all got chloroformed.

20:44 Somebody chloroformed all of us.

20:47 And now we're regaining consciousness together.

20:50 I don't understand.

20:52 Who is she?

20:54 Why is she holding a rag?

21:12 Okay, that was the worst idea ever.

21:13 Can we please just run away now?

21:19 Ah, okay.

21:21 Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

21:24 Just so you know, Jeff, you are not creating six different timelines.

21:26 Of course I am, Abed.

21:32 One, Troy.

21:33 Damn it.

21:34 I'm going to go as fast as I can so I don't miss anything.

21:40 You know who I used to call miss anything?

21:42 Her the kid.

21:44 He totally set me up.

21:46 I'm checking on my pies.

21:49 Roxanne!

21:52 No!

21:51 Bathroom?

21:52 Yeah, over here.

21:54 Jeff, tell us about your father.

21:56 I'm going to get a drink.

21:58 Oh my god, are you okay?

21:59 I really felt it.

22:00 Let me look at it IN THE BATHROOM.

22:11 [screaming]

22:10 WHAT THE HELL?

22:14 NO!

22:16 CALL 911!

22:17 I'M GOING TO HELP ME STOP THE BLEEDING!

22:22 I'M DYING.

22:24 I AM DYING.

22:26 ROXANNE!

22:31 WATER!

22:32 BUTTER!

22:32 BUTTER!

22:50 BRITTA.

22:51 [snorts] IS THIS ABOUT REGIONALS?

22:52 I just talked to Corey and he needs you to be the Mouse King instead of me.

22:55 Me?

22:55 But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.

22:57 It's an emergency.

23:00 [music]

23:00 This will help us get to regionals.

23:01 I knew it.

23:02 Wait, where are the lyrics?

23:04 They're in your heart, Britta.

23:05 Right.

23:06 They do.

23:09 [music] Christmas time.

23:15 [screaming] WHAT THE OH, BRITTA'S IN THIS?

23:18 I GOT A CHRISTMAS TIME FOR ME.

23:22 I GOT A CHRISTMAS time for a tree.

23:26 No.

23:27 Christmas She's ruining it.

23:29 CHRISTMAS [screaming] TIME.

23:32 MISO CHRISTMAS.

23:34 Miso merry.

23:35 STOP.

23:35 STOP.

23:35 STOP.

23:36 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

23:36 Get off the stage.

23:38 my heart's song.

23:39 Get off the stage AND NEVER SING AGAIN.

23:41 YOU ARE THE WORST.

23:43 HEY, YOU DO NOT GET TO CALL Britta the worst.

23:48 Go ahead.

23:48 I think Jeff's coming.

23:49 It'll be hilarious.

24:02 [clears throat] Yeah, pharmacy, please.

24:04 Yeah, this is Buzz Hickey.

24:07 I think you gave me the wrong medication.

24:09 I usually get Lipitor.

24:11 What do you mean my insurance won't cover it anymore?

24:14 My body does not respond well to the generic stuff.

24:18 And let me ask you a question, lady.

24:19 Can you pay out of pocket?

24:21 I am an educator, ma'am, living on a teacher's salary.

24:26 I know.

24:26 I I'm I'm I'm sorry.

24:28 What's your name?

24:29 Leah.

24:30 Well, let me tell you something, Leah.

24:34 I wake up every night screaming.

24:36 Life is unfair, but it's the only thing we get.

24:39 Yeah.

24:40 Yeah.

24:40 Yeah.

24:40 Yeah, I'll call back later.

24:49 Maud's, Buzz.

24:50 I'm going to say this as fast as I can.

24:51 We can't afford to bury Dad with the rest of the family.

24:56 See, I know those guys were annoying yesterday,

24:58 but aren't you glad we didn't turn it into a whole big macho war thing?

25:02 Gosh, Annie, you're right.

25:03 I can't believe I doubted you.

25:04 [music] Hey, apropos of nothing,

25:06 what's that sound you make when you see something shocking?

25:08 Oh, yeah, that's it.

25:09 What are you guys doing at our table?

25:11 What happened to D'Er Coffee Hausen?

25:13 Our time in this room yesterday proved more pleasant than expected.

25:16 It's got a good energy.

25:18 That table is ours.

25:20 This room is ours.

25:21 You guys need to leave.

25:22 Hey, Carl.

25:23 Hi, Albert.

25:25 I'm afraid it is you who must do the making like a tree,

25:28 which is to say leaving.

25:30 Security.

25:31 You want us to leave?

25:33 There a problem here?

25:34 Yeah, there's a problem.

25:35 These deuce old doors won't leave our study room.

25:37 Nice.

25:38 I don't understand any of these puns.

25:40 I think I need to learn history.

25:42 Do you have a sign-in sheet?

25:43 You're asking for our papers?

25:45 I thought this was America, not Arizona.

25:47 We have a sign-in sheet.

25:48 Lucas.

25:50 Perhaps we should all just go home

25:52 and see our families and think things through.

25:55 Looks like the room is theirs.

25:57 [laughter] Surely, call your babysitter because this means Let me guess.

26:04 War?

26:05 Let the lady finish her sentence.

26:06 Thank you, Jeff.

26:09 War.

26:23 We'd like to sign our study room.

26:25 It would appear that in this battle our bulge was a little bit bigger.

26:29 Guten bye-bye.

26:30 Excuse me, don't touch me.

26:31 Damn them and their perfectly crafted timepieces.

26:34 What else do you have available?

26:42 It's like a Darren Aronofsky film.

26:44 I'll get this.

26:45 My first father-in-law was an electrician, you pick up a thing OR TWO.

26:52 EVERYBODY GRAB ME, PLEASE.

26:54 Nobody grab him.

26:56 Pierce, JUST LET GO.

26:58 GET MY GUY, WOULDN'T YOU?

26:59 OF THE THING, PIERCE.

27:01 AH, it smells like barbecue.

27:02 We're getting up earlier tomorrow.

27:21 OH, OH.

27:37 [laughter] OH, LOOK AT THEM.

27:55 [music] STUBBORNNESS DOESN'T do very much.

28:03 Guess fascinating people don't resort to drawing shapes on their faces.

28:06 He makes one false move and I'mma go Shirley on him.

28:08 That's what my high school friends called crazy.

28:11 Yeah?

28:11 You going to go Shirley-er than I did when I got addicted to pills?

28:14 Why are you so concerned with being a badass?

28:16 Maybe I'm tired of everyone thinking of me as a little girl.

28:19 Maybe I want to be in charge of [music] how I'm defined.

28:21 Well, how do you think I feel?

28:22 You have two kids and they stick you in the margins.

28:24 I'm not done yet.

28:25 I still got moves.

28:26 I haven't even started yet.

28:27 I've got moves I haven't even seen before.

28:33 Blocked call.

28:36 Addison.

28:36 The man you're looking for is Jeff Winger.

28:40 Jeff Winger.

28:41 Who is this?

28:44 I didn't recognize the voice.

28:46 They say Jeff Winger's our man.

28:47 Oh!

28:48 Drop them if you smoke them.

28:50 Cut to action sequence.

28:51 Let's roll.

28:53 Security's coming through.

28:57 Mr.

28:58 Winger?

28:59 Cagney, Lacey, what can I do you for?

29:02 Just doing a routine search.

29:03 What is this?

29:03 What do you have here?

29:04 What is this?

29:05 chest.

29:05 Hey, just spread them.

29:06 Huh?

29:07 What is this?

29:07 Put it back in here.

29:08 Guys.

29:08 I can pat you down.

29:09 I can pat you down.

29:09 I can do a trick.

29:10 So, uh what do you got in the bag?

29:12 Yeah.

29:13 What the Let's see what we have here.

29:17 Holy Mary, mother of pearl.

29:20 What do we have here?

29:22 Looks like enough tiny items to equip an amphibious mariachi band.

29:25 Of frogs.

29:26 That is not my stuff.

29:28 Britta Britta planted that.

29:30 Sure she did.

29:30 Tell that to what our equivalent of a judge is.

29:37 He's getting away!

29:38 OH, DOC!

29:38 WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

29:38 GO!

29:39 GO!

29:40 GO!

29:40 GO!

29:42 [music] DRIVE IT.

29:44 I DON'T HAVE time to yell at you.

29:46 Baby Jesus, baby Jesus.

29:48 What are these doing here?

29:50 Take them away.

29:50 Go after him on foot.

29:52 I'm going after him on foot.

29:53 Cut him off on the other side.

29:54 I'll cut him off ON THE OTHER SIDE.

29:55 TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

29:58 STOP, OR I'LL SHOOT!

30:00 I SAID, "STOP!" OH, SHOOT!

30:08 OH!

30:11 [screaming] OH!

30:12 OH, CRAP!

30:22 HUH?

30:23 OH, GREAT.

30:24 HE GOT AWAY.

30:25 Good job.

30:26 He got away because of your driving, Grandma.

30:29 Oh, I beg YOUR PARDON, HANNAH MONTANA.

30:31 OH, I'M SORRY.

30:32 Are you hard of hearing?

30:33 You know what?

30:33 This is why you have hardly any friends.

30:35 Looks like I have one less now.

30:36 Do I look like I'm crying?

30:38 These are not tears.

30:40 This is self-inflicted friendly fire, okay?

30:42 THAT WHAT HAPPENS TO CHILDREN.

30:44 GOT HER.

30:48 EXCUSE ME.

30:49 I have to go to the bathroom.

30:50 I'll give you the rest of these chocolate covered raisins if you save my seat.

30:58 I'm proud of you for deciding on a major, brother.

30:59 I like to think the Lord heard my prayers about you,

31:01 but you still dressing like a street walker.

31:03 Yep, I'm getting serious.

31:04 I got a backpack.

31:05 I got a new notebook.

31:07 Oh, I got one of those see-through yellow pens so

31:09 I can do that thing where you color in the words.

31:11 Highlight?

31:11 Probably the backpack.

31:13 They want you to be a token homosexual?

31:16 It's a form of progress.

31:18 30 years ago, the most power the openly gay could achieve was the center square.

31:22 But I'm not just gay.

31:24 What does that mean?

31:25 If coming out is a magic show and gayness is a rabbit out of a hat,

31:29 I'm one of those never-ending handkerchiefs.

31:34 The sad truth, Craig,

31:35 anything other than straight is plenty gay for a school board.

31:40 The most important point is, are you prepared to make your sexuality,

31:44 which is nobody's business, an aspect of your role in society?

31:50 I know I'm not, so I don't.

31:52 No.

31:53 When a person becomes symbolic,

31:55 they gain symbolic power at the price of independent power.

32:00 Yep, that's an excellent point.

32:02 It could be good for Greendale for one of our own to be on the school board.

32:06 I mean, the fact that you'd be leaving a few items off your list of turn-ons,

32:09 I mean, the goal in politics isn't transparency, it's winning.

32:14 That's why the politicians always win.

32:16 They do always win, don't they?

32:18 But now I get a chance to win.

32:19 I could change the system from the inside out.

32:22 And all I have to do is pair down my sexuality to simple gayness,

32:27 which is heavily in the mix.

32:29 There you go.

32:31 Get ready, America.

32:33 Dean Pelton is coming out as approximately 2/7 of what he is.

32:40 Come on.

32:42 Don't leave me hanging.

32:44 There we go.

32:48 I am so curious.

32:49 Oh.

32:50 Intellectually.

32:51 Okay, thoughts on Nicholas Cage.

32:54 I think he's a genius.

32:56 I mean, he keeps getting hired for some reason,

32:57 and it's not because of his hair.

32:59 I don't know.

33:00 If I was in 70 films over 30 years,

33:02 and I spent each one talking at random volumes,

33:04 I might accidentally win an Oscar.

33:06 I think our opinions about pop culture are fed

33:08 to us by machines designed to criminalize human autonomy.

33:15 Dear God.

33:16 No, stand back.

33:17 Give him space.

33:24 Nicholas Cage, good or bad?

33:26 A challenge, certainly, but not unsolvable,

33:31 because all actors have distinct values, which I use to find answers.

33:35 Abed, how much Nicholas Cage did you watch?

33:39 Enough!

33:41 I WATCHED ENOUGH TO FIND [laughter]

33:43 THE ANSWERS, because this This is my reality.

33:48 This is how I learned to be,

33:48 and my being doesn't allow FOR NICHOLAS FREAKING CAGE, OKAY?

33:54 OH, YEAH.

33:56 OH, YEAH.

33:57 OH.

34:02 [screaming] [crying] I'M A CAT.

34:08 I'M A SEXY CAT.

34:26 ABED!

34:27 THINK OF SOMETHING SAFE, LIKE HOLLY HUNTER OR DON CHEADLE.

34:32 ABED?

34:33 ABED!

34:38 That was brilliant.

34:39 Oh my god!

34:40 [screaming] One after the other.

34:42 I'm texting to tell you I'm not texting you anymore.

34:45 I'm sorry.

34:46 I didn't mean that.

34:47 Are you mad at me now?

34:49 Fine.

34:50 I guess you don't want to know our two-year-old.

34:52 Can we please just put it under a stack of mattresses or something?

34:54 I don't know.

34:55 When is she going to take a hint?

34:56 Britta's attracted to unavailable men.

34:58 Dean, why are you here?

35:00 Ouch.

35:02 Fine.

35:02 Let's make him available.

35:04 What are you doing?

35:05 Ending this.

35:06 Leave me ALONE.

35:08 NO!

35:09 THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE.

35:12 SEE?

35:13 She stopped.

35:19 She's calling him?

35:21 She's born in the '80s.

35:22 She still uses her phone as a phone.

35:24 Uh-oh.

35:24 That's fine.

35:25 It's fine.

35:25 We just won't answer it.

35:26 Want to go to your voicemail?

35:30 Hello, Blade?

35:33 Hello.

35:40 There you go.

35:41 I don't know.

35:42 Change your settings so it doesn't go to voicemail.

35:45 Too late.

35:47 You guys act like a carnival.

35:48 Be a carnival.

35:50 Now.

35:51 Step right up.

35:53 Ding ding ding.

35:53 Get your popcorn here.

35:55 Hello?

35:56 Busy, babe.

35:58 Wait.

35:58 Just wait.

35:59 Wait.

36:01 I told you not to call me at work.

36:05 I'm sorry.

36:06 I forgot.

36:06 Don't be mad at me.

36:08 She's whipped by an imaginary douche.

36:11 Hey, don't knock it till you try it.

36:15 Forget about the girl, I told myself.

36:17 Let her go, like a lobster claw letting go of a small balloon for lobsters.

36:23 Still, I had a hunch.

36:25 Hmm.

36:27 Matchbook.

36:28 Something about it seemed cluey.

36:31 Arizona Matchbook Company.

36:34 Arizona.

36:35 Arizona backwards is still Arizona.

36:38 It's a Palomino.

36:40 Maybe I was crazy, or maybe I was finally sane.

36:44 [music] Why does this guy keep staring at me?

36:51 Okay, so break into groups and then you guys quiz each other.

36:55 Mr.

36:56 Winger, is that really the best use of our time?

36:58 Seems like the value of having you here is

37:01 value as a teacher is to teach you how to learn.

37:03 I think you're telling us we should teach ourselves.

37:05 I don't think you're going to learn if I tell you how to think.

37:06 I think if you tell us what you think, then we'll learn that.

37:08 I thought you should break into groups,

37:09 but you failed to learn that, so your theory is invalid.

37:17 Break into groups.

37:19 Mr.

37:19 Winger, how did you do that?

37:21 Do what?

37:22 You won an argument against Annie Edison.

37:24 You don't argue with Annie Garrett.

37:26 You let her argue with herself until she loses.

37:28 You can win by not arguing?

37:30 Yes, geek cat.

37:30 Anyone that tries to argue has already

37:32 lost because they pick an argument to lose.

37:34 I mean, that's why I never lost a case.

37:36 Prosecutors beat themselves because they try Here.

37:40 Because they draw a circle around something called the truth,

37:46 and they say that everything outside it is a lie.

37:48 Don't forget Greendale,

37:50 it's the last day to sign up for a spring semester elective.

37:53 Horseback riding, water skiing, fencing.

37:57 Those are just a few classes we can afford

37:59 to offer if enough people pay to learn hopscotch.

38:02 Oh, they've got a class on how to write jokes.

38:04 Oh, don't take that.

38:05 I dropped it after the lesson on setups.

38:06 The professor is so old.

38:12 So many classes.

38:13 I don't know what to choose.

38:15 I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity.

38:18 Just pick one.

38:20 They all cost the same.

38:21 You can always take the acting inside with me and Troy.

38:26 How did you get dragged into that one?

38:27 Our dance teacher encourages us to take

38:29 acting classes to tap into our emotional core.

38:32 So, Troy and I both decided to take it together.

38:34 Hm.

38:35 Foosball was full?

38:36 I'm on the waitlist.

38:37 Don't give up.

38:38 I was on the waitlist for this media class

38:39 for a year and a half and I finally got in.

38:41 Who, indeed?

38:42 A critical analysis of television's Who's the Boss?

38:45 of this class is the author of this book.

38:46 We got him?

38:47 I know.

38:48 So, what are you taking, Jeff?

38:50 While you knuckleheads are expanding your minds and souls,

38:52 I'll be expanding my liver in Italian wine tasting.

38:55 Oh, molto bene.

38:56 I'm taking that one, too.

38:58 Hm.

38:59 How do you say "Haha" in Italian?

39:01 I'll look it up.

39:02 Come on, Jeff.

39:02 It'll be fun.

39:03 I I can give you pointers.

39:04 Pierce, I was a lawyer at a top-tier law firm.

39:06 When I wasn't shielding the wealthy from justice,

39:08 I was drinking their finest wines.

39:10 I assume you have your own wine cellar.

39:12 Pierce does.

39:13 And it's Haha.

39:15 Anyone can have a cellar.

39:16 It's what's in it that counts.

39:17 Pierce has a special gym with swings and saddles Oh, yeah.

39:20 We We don't discuss the special gym.

39:22 Attention, please.

39:23 Attention, please.

39:25 All elective forms must be in by the end of the day.

39:29 Oh, nice job, Manuel.

39:31 And good news, there's still plenty of room in my PA announcements class.

39:35 Just 10 bucks an hour.

39:37 Honey, I I don't I don't know when I'll be home.

39:40 How could you guys hate me more than Pierce?

39:43 Or anything more than Pierce.

39:44 Thin ice, Shirley.

39:46 My friends and I are not going to let you drive a wedge between us.

39:49 Shirley has a point.

39:50 This list stinks like a butt convention.

39:53 How else could you explain Troy being so unpopular?

39:56 Uh I think I was the popular one in our pairing.

39:59 Oh, Troy.

40:04 Fine, why don't I just go work with Todd?

40:06 Hey, that's cool.

40:08 Whatever gets this project done.

40:10 Oh, wow.

40:11 What a great guy.

40:12 I can see why all of you like him so much more than me.

40:15 Jeff, maybe it's just that no one wants to carry you all year.

40:19 Gee, you're right, Annie.

40:20 It's not personal.

40:22 I mean, it's not like people really like you.

40:23 You're just a good grade in a tight sweater.

40:25 Well, you're just a bad grade in a tight sweater.

40:28 And who the hell are you always texting?

40:29 Everyone you know is here.

40:31 Okay, let's all just take a breath.

40:33 Don't get your number four stink on this, Todd.

40:34 Okay, let's focus.

40:36 We're all the same people we were 12 hours ago.

40:41 Maybe we should just revert to our original pairings.

40:42 But I thought you didn't want to carry Jeff.

40:44 Oh, well, you just don't want to work with Shirley.

40:48 [gasps] You two rotate?

40:48 It's just You're a creationist.

40:51 What?

40:52 You're so religious.

40:53 How are you going to do science

40:54 experiments if you don't even believe in science?

40:57 Just because someone's religious doesn't mean they have a problem with science.

41:00 And certainly if an introductory biology course

41:03 at a community college can refute 2,000 YEARS OF MIRACLES.

41:08 GOD.

41:08 ABOUT BRITTA?

41:09 SHE'S NOT GOING TO DISSECT ANYTHING.

41:10 FINE, you got me.

41:11 I won't dissect anything with a face.

41:13 What about worms?

41:15 Do they have tiny little faces?

41:16 This is why you're the stupidest.

41:18 If loving worms is stupid, I don't want to be smart.

41:21 It is, and you can't be.

41:23 Guys, I just figured it all out.

41:25 Pierce, wake up.

41:26 Jeff is going to heal us.

41:27 We have been looking at this totally wrong.

41:30 There's no way I'm unpopular.

41:33 One of you monsters just put me last in a petty attempt to humble me.

41:37 Oh, I just had a terrible nightmare that Jeff was a pompous ass.

41:42 Also, Todd was there.

41:44 Uh, no offense, Todd.

41:50 Uh, uh, Todd, pretty sure I heard a fire alarm.

41:53 Nobody's going home until we see those ballots.

41:54 See the ballots?

41:55 Are you crazy?

41:56 I say, let's lay our cards on the table

41:58 and see what everyone really thinks of each other.

42:01 Get behind me, ABED.

42:02 NO!

42:03 AH!

42:03 [screaming] JEFF, STOP IT!

42:06 ABED!

42:06 JEFF, NO!

42:07 GET BACK!

42:07 JEFF!

42:08 I'M DOING THIS FOR ALL OF US.

42:10 OH, NO, she's got her MARIJUANA LIGHTER.

42:12 NO.

42:13 OH.

42:14 NO.

42:15 THE TURTLE IS IN THERE.

42:17 OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY.

42:20 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

42:25 HUH?

42:27 I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS.

42:30 I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE EACH OTHER.

42:35 YOUR LOVE IS WEIRD AND TOXIC AND IT DESTROYS EVERYTHING it touches.

42:43 I no longer care about grades or biology or finally

42:48 graduating from college like I promised my dying father.

42:54 I'm going home.

42:57 I'm going to hold my wife and my child close

42:59 and I am GOING TO FINALLY TAKE MY INSULIN SHOT.

43:06 OFFENSE TAKEN.

43:10 Offense taken.

43:17 Will is right about one thing.

43:19 You're all terrible people.

43:21 And I don't care about this stupid assignment.

43:23 I'm going home.

43:27 No, I'm not.

43:27 Going to biology class.

43:28 It starts in 15 minutes.

43:33 [music]

43:32 And so, by all known definitions of the word boss, i.e.

43:35 one with authority over another,

43:37 in nine of 11 known possible fields in which one might teach,

43:40 employ, guide, oversee, and or otherwise hold dominion,

43:43 the empirically probable answer to the question, who's the boss?

43:48 Is Angela Bower.

44:04 Class dismissed.

44:15 Class dismissed.

44:29 There's a path you take and a path untaken.

44:33 The choice is up to you, my friend.

45:01 Attention students, this is Abed.

45:03 And the disco spider.

45:04 And Greendale.

45:05 GREENDALE.

45:07 GREENDALE.

45:08 IF YOU CLICK ANNOUNCEMENTS, announcement number one,

45:10 all announcements will be cool starting right now.

45:13 Announcement number two, butt soup.

45:16 Announcement number three, I am not[ __] from Johnny Quest, Jeff Winger.

45:21 On security news, you guys got to start locking

45:23 the dean's door so guys like us don't get in.

45:26 Hey.

45:35 We're sorry we embarrassed you and looked at your prophylactic equipment.

45:38 Your lifestyle mistakes are none of our business.

45:40 Oh, thanks, Shirley.

45:41 But now let's wrestle through your tampons

45:43 and wallet so we can apologize to you.

45:45 Oh, I'm sure everybody here knows that I don't steal.

45:48 Have you checked your bag, Shirley?

45:49 If you took it by mistake, I forgive you.

45:51 Oh, so if I took it, it's larceny,

45:52 but if you find it under Mother Hen, it's a mistake.

45:55 Mother Hen, I think we're about the same age.

45:57 Sure, unless time is linear.

45:58 I'll make your ass linear.

45:59 That That make any sense.

46:00 I'll make your ass sense.

46:02 Girls, don't get your panties puckered.

46:03 We're electing student president.

46:05 I want to run.

46:06 I have so many ideas for improving the school.

46:08 Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie.

46:10 It takes time, gasoline, matches.

46:13 Mm, nice.

46:15 Well, newsflash, Jeff.

46:16 Some of us care about more than just fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.

46:20 Wow, you got me pegged.

46:22 Democracy, what a ruse.

46:24 There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any power.

46:27 Everyone wants you to shut up.

46:29 I won't.

46:30 Case in point.

46:35 Suppose I was to say to you it was possible to get those test answers.

46:39 I would say go for that.

46:41 Annie could have said so in a text.

46:42 I'm asking you if you know the difference between right and wrong.

46:46 I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough,

46:49 I could make anything right or wrong.

46:51 So, either I'm God or truth is relative, and in either case, boo-ya.

46:56 Interesting.

46:57 It's just the average person has a much

46:58 harder time saying boo-ya to moral relativism.

47:01 Duncan, you don't have to play shrink to protect your pride.

47:04 I accept you're chicken.

47:06 I'm a professor.

47:06 You can't talk to me that way.

47:08 A 6-year-old girl could talk to you that way.

47:10 Yes, because that WOULD BE ADORABLE.

47:11 NO, BECAUSE you're a 5-year-old girl and there's a pecking order.

47:15 Fine, I'll do it.

47:16 Thank you.

47:17 Yeah, pleasure.

47:19 Bye.

47:20 Yes.

47:21 Good.

47:22 Why am I still shouting?

47:23 I'm drawing attention to myself.

47:25 Let me tell you a little secret about me, Troy.

47:27 Every day on my way to school, I drive through downtown past the courthouse,

47:31 just to get a glimpse of the world that I once ruled.

47:34 And I just want to jump out of my car,

47:36 run up the steps, and exploit the legal system for profit, but I can't.

47:41 I'm locked out of my old kingdom.

47:43 You're not.

47:44 You see what I'm saying?

47:46 You're saying I could be a lawyer.

47:48 I'm saying you're a football player.

47:50 It's in your blood.

47:51 That's racist.

47:52 Your soul.

47:52 That's racist.

47:53 Your eyes.

47:54 That's gay.

47:54 That's It's That's black.

47:56 That's racist.

47:57 Damn.

47:58 When you played, [music] you were a god.

48:00 Now you're not playing and you're not.

48:02 I tell you to do the math, but math [music] isn't important.

48:05 The only thing that's important is this.

48:07 Yeah, but Annie said Annie said that Benjamin Button was compelling.

48:10 Look, she's a smart girl, but sometimes she's just wrong.

48:13 85, go long.

48:15 It's like a drug, isn't it?

48:18 [music] Feel it, Troy.

48:17 Throw it.

48:20 The scoreboard lights up.

48:21 There will be a scoreboard there.

48:23 It's complete.

48:24 NICE CATCH.

48:26 The girls, the glory, the scouts, the career.

48:29 It starts when you join this team.

48:32 Is that linebacker [music] a pregnant woman?

48:33 Look, you can meet them later.

48:35 But this decision has to be yours, [music] T-Bone.

48:38 And this decision has to be yes.

48:41 How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?

48:42 Because you're a football player and your name begins with T.

48:48 Your name begins with T.

48:54 I found a smell.

48:56 Someone filed a taco.

48:59 Things that will otherwise get filed straight to my thighs.

49:04 So, I know you agree with me that we need to find the truth,

49:08 but do you agree that the truth won't be horrible?

49:11 I'm not psychic, Annie.

49:12 That's an illusion caused by extreme preparedness.

49:15 But what do you hope is true?

49:17 Oh god, no.

49:17 I never hope.

49:18 Hope is pouting in advance.

49:20 Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister.

49:22 Hope is the deformed,

49:23 addict-bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear.

49:27 My life results tripled the year I gave up hope and every

49:30 game on my phone that had anything to do with farming.

49:32 What's true will be true, Annie.

49:34 Our job is to deal with that truth.

49:37 You sound a little like Jeff.

49:38 Jeff said I sound like Abed.

49:40 I wonder if Britta thinks I sound like Chang.

49:43 I assume Chang thinks I sound like distant explosions and crying babies.

49:47 You know he's unstable, right?

49:50 Yep.

49:50 Oh.

49:52 A transcript for Ruffles.

49:54 You think that's our guy?

49:56 I do.

50:02 Oh my god.

50:04 So many glasses.

50:08 See what hope does?

50:11 Screw you, Frankie.

50:13 I'm sorry, Annie.

50:15 But I don't think you're seeing this for what it is.

50:17 It's a transcript for a dog.

50:19 A really, really long one.

50:22 It's proof that Jeff was right.

50:24 This school has no value.

50:26 Yeah, but this folder has no degree.

50:28 Look.

50:30 What's that?

50:32 [laughter] Victory.

50:33 You know, within the context of Greendale.

50:37 [snorts] Okay, Abed.

50:38 We know that normally you wouldn't approach a girl,

50:40 but if you don't learn how, you won't get Jenny.

50:42 Yeah, and you got 2 days.

50:43 Then I'm going after her.

50:45 What?

50:46 I'm incentivizing him.

50:47 Also, if she's into Abed, let's face it, anyone would be good at that.

50:50 I understand.

50:51 I need to change who I am to someone more likable.

50:53 No, no, no, no, sweetie.

50:54 It's It's not about changing.

50:55 It's about learning.

50:56 Learning to change?

50:57 No, no, that's not Good grief, clear the chickens off the runway.

51:01 I'll be the bad guy.

51:02 Yes, Abed, you need to be someone else,

51:05 someone who eventually gets a girlfriend because I can't

51:07 think of anything more frightening than a half Polish,

51:11 half Arab virgin in his 30s.

51:14 One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion.

51:17 Let's try a practice run.

51:19 All right, Annie, you sit here, okay?

51:21 And be a girl.

51:22 Abed, you take a run at her.

51:24 Let's see what you got.

51:26 Okay.

51:27 Okay.

51:31 Hmm.

51:33 What are you reading?

51:35 Pride and Prejudice.

51:40 So, you're familiar with two sentences.

51:43 How about a third?

51:44 Oh.

51:51 I do not think we're allowed to smoke in here.

51:54 And you [music] picked the wrong outfit.

51:59 Didn't you?

52:02 Abed, what are you doing?

52:04 Don Draper from Mad Men.

52:05 What do you think?

52:06 Weird.

52:06 Awesome.

52:06 Put your tongue in her ear.

52:08 I liked it.

52:09 Don't be him.

52:10 He cheats on his wife.

52:11 Be somebody nice like Mike Brady.

52:13 He always had that housekeeper throw herself at him

52:15 and he never made a move on her.

52:16 Don't be Mike Brady.

52:17 Mike Brady's not sexy.

52:19 You should be like Joe from Facts of Life.

52:23 But you know the the dude version.

52:24 I knew it.

52:25 You should be like Calvin.

52:27 His best friend was a tiger.

52:28 He always went on dope adventures.

52:29 If anything stood in his way he just peed on it.

52:31 Calvin Coolidge?

52:32 No, you guys.

52:33 DON DRAPER WAS CLEARLY THE SEXIEST AND THAT IS THE JOKE.

52:36 ABOUT IT is that like that Calvin.

52:39 What are you guys doing?

52:41 They're teaching me how to be someone else.

52:43 Oh, for God's sake.

52:44 What did I tell you guys?

52:47 Oh, for God's sakes, EVERYBODY DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

52:49 LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE.

52:51 WHOA.

52:52 That's a good Jeff.

52:52 How'd you do that?

52:54 10% Dick Van Dyke, 20% Sam Malone, 40% Zach Braff in Scrubs,

52:57 and 30% Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

52:59 Zach Braff?

53:01 Sorry.

53:01 Abed, what if you just did Jeff for Jenny?

53:03 Uh and your point is?

53:06 Look, I don't want any part of this and I can't believe that that you're

53:10 still doing it after I already explained

53:12 the obvious lesson smacking you in the face.

53:15 Hey, why aren't you in billiards class?

53:17 Because I don't look cool IN SHORTS.

53:19 OH.

53:20 WHOA.

53:21 OKAY.

53:22 BECAUSE I'M NOT COOL IN SHORTS.

53:26 THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

53:27 ABED, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND, please checking the sound system.

53:31 No problem.

53:31 Unless you're too busy telling your girlfriend I don't understand Donnie Darko.

53:35 Annie.

53:35 I'm cool.

53:37 I'll set up the box office.

53:41 Oh, or will me opening a box office unfairly

53:44 influence wagers in your betting pool about my sexual preference?

53:49 We saw this one coming and we are so sorry.

53:52 Oh, that cuts it.

53:53 The word sorry fills that crater right to the brim.

53:55 Yeah.

53:56 Oh, boohoo.

53:58 Your friends are curious about your night life.

54:00 We kept it among friends.

54:02 You told human resources I was a functional alcoholic.

54:06 I am required to file a report

54:08 on every teacher and if you throw another tantrum, I will revise yours.

54:12 To what?

54:13 Non-lethal murderer?

54:14 Armless javelin thrower?

54:16 What in your unqualified buzzword bloated little

54:19 itschoolhouse of a brain is a functional alcoholic?

54:23 WHAT IN YOUR brain is a chapstick lesbian?

54:26 To me, 300 bucks.

54:27 Unless you can't refute it.

54:29 My sexuality is of zero concern to my job and to everyone here.

54:33 I swear, [laughter] if you people were trapped

54:35 on a tiger-infested island with no food or water,

54:38 you would judge every ship that came to save you.

54:42 How do the tigers survive without food or water?

54:45 Oh, it's not cute, Annie.

54:47 And I read your entry in the pool.

54:49 Was your goal to win or just be disgusting?

54:52 I had to pick last.

54:55 Yeah, well, we all read about ourselves

54:57 in your weirdly long melodramatic emails to your sister,

55:00 who you might notice never responds.

55:02 Take a hint.

55:03 She's dead.

55:08 I pretend to write her emails as a journaling device.

55:12 YOU WRETCHED INVASIVE LITTLE GREMLIN!

55:16 OKAY, WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL that rock bottom?

55:19 Check one, check two.

55:21 Check one, check two.

55:23 Well, well, well.

55:24 Looks like Jeff Winger auto paid his car insurance.

55:28 And Annie's book club has a meeting tomorrow.

55:31 Where did you guys find the bad stuff?

55:34 Uh maybe maybe what we all need to do here is have everyone

55:37 in the room address and own one thing that they know is out there.

55:40 No blame, no shame, just an explanation.

55:44 I'll start.

55:44 Now, I'm sure by now you've all seen the emails

55:46 between me and the Patterson family of Herndon, Virginia.

55:49 Not me.

55:50 No.

55:51 I received their first letter as part

55:52 of a family email chain um Christmas of 2007.

55:55 think you owe us Although I I didn't understand why they'd written me,

55:59 I responded politely.

56:01 When I realized they had somehow mistaken me for their cousin for some reason,

56:05 I suppose it was loneliness.

56:07 I simply failed to disabuse them of that notion.

56:10 Well, that's I've come to love Barb and George and Gelson

56:14 and Razzle and even uh Uncle Paul with all his flaws.

56:20 [laughter] And even though our relationship is based on a lie,

56:22 for me it's one of the realest I'll ever know.

56:30 I hope you don't think by explaining that you're off the hook

56:33 for the 3D models you've been making of our bodies without our permission.

56:38 That's what those photos were for?

56:40 I'm making a GAME ABOUT LADY TIME TRAVELERS.

56:43 WHERE?

56:44 In your pants?

56:45 That's pretty creepy, Elroy.

56:46 Oh, you guys are so suave.

56:49 You're such a gentleman.

56:51 You and Chang have a daily email chain ranking Annie and Britta one and two?

56:55 By which you mean Chang emails me rankings every day and I don't respond.

56:59 Uh except for February 7th, 2013.

57:04 Chang Britta is one, Annie is two.

57:06 Jeff, ha, yeah.

57:08 Jeff, gross.

57:10 And Britta, way to instantly memorize the exact date of your big victory.

57:14 Hey, silver and gold ladies, ain't no losers there.

57:18 Okay, I think we're losing sight of what's important.

57:20 Says the woman suing her father for $80.

57:23 Tell it to your fake family.

57:24 Have you made any creepy boob models OF GISELLE YET?

57:28 RAZZLE IS LIKE A DAUGHTER to me.

57:30 But arguably more like a daughter to her parents.

57:34 Didn't you have your own family?

57:36 Oh, go write an astronaut.

57:38 Oh, did anyone see Jeff letters?

57:40 He writes to astronauts.

57:42 TALK ABOUT CREEPY.

57:43 THEY'RE NATIONAL HEROES.

57:44 YES, THEY ARE.

57:45 LEAVE THEM ALONE.

57:46 OH, THIS I GOT TO SEE.

57:48 You know what I don't want to see?

57:49 Your exchanges with your life coach about the study group when we were dating.

57:53 Oh, and by the way, clearly not a life coach,

57:56 an absolutely just an Italian sociopath you met at a dispensary.

58:00 You two dated?

58:02 This was a study group?

58:03 Jeff Chang WAS OUR TEACHER.

58:05 WHAT?

58:06 THAT'S RIGHT.

58:07 AND FRANKLY, haven't been well utilized since.

58:10 Here he comes.

58:11 Get set.

58:15 You wanted to see me?

58:17 Oh.

58:18 Hi, Mr.

58:19 Professorson.

58:20 His real name is Wolly.

58:22 And he's defrauded your school to the tune of dozens

58:25 of credits per year and nearly twice as many dollars.

58:28 Well, that's serious.

58:31 Fortunately for you, I'm a big believer in second chances.

58:33 I'm not.

58:36 Annie!

58:37 Annie!

58:38 Oh, my god, YOU YOU SHOT HIM.

58:41 OF COURSE I shot him.

58:42 He was being dishonest.

58:43 And if there's one thing Greendale's TAUGHT ME, WHOA, WHAT THE HELL?

58:48 A GUN.

58:49 IT WAS A FAKE GUN.

58:50 WE STAGED THIS TO GET BACK AT YOU FOR DECEIVING US.

58:52 WELL, YOU'RE THE DECEIVER, JEFFRY.

58:54 YEAH?

58:55 WELL, now you're the dead guy.

59:00 [music] Jeff, what are you doing?

59:01 Why do you have a REAL GUN?

59:04 WHY DID YOU shoot the Dean?

59:06 Well, he shot you.

59:07 Not really.

59:08 He and I were in on this from the start.

59:10 When he found out you were faking a class,

59:12 he came to me and we cooked up this whole

59:14 conspiracy thing to to illustrate the slippery slope of academic fraud.

59:19 You know what you actually illustrated, Annie?

59:24 How to be a crappy friend.

59:26 Once it was obvious the Dean had orchestrated everything it was

59:30 even more obvious the Dean was too stupid to orchestrate anything.

59:34 So on a hunch I called him and we hatched

59:37 a plan to teach you a lesson or two about friendship.

59:40 But Jeff I only did it because I love you.

59:45 Well when you love someone you have to take them as they are.

59:48 People aren't play things Annie.

59:50 No they are not.

59:51 Well look who's talking.

59:53 After everything you put me through.

59:56 Okay.

59:57 Where did you get that gun?

1:00:00 There's only three prop guns.

1:00:02 Well I live in a terrible neighborhood.

1:00:04 Annie put the gun down.

1:00:07 After we kissed I waited all summer to see you.

1:00:11 You buried me like a shameful secret.

1:00:15 Woah.

1:00:15 What's the matter Jeff?

1:00:17 Afraid crazy Annie would go crazy for you?

1:00:21 Well guess what?

1:00:23 Annie's got a gun.

1:00:24 ANNIE JUST PUT THE [screaming] [laughter] ANNIE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

1:00:35 LOOK AT ME.

1:00:36 IF YOU LOVE JEFF WINGER SO MUCH why did you conspire with me against him?

1:00:40 I DON'T KNOW.

1:00:41 I I CAN'T [laughter] KEEP TRACK of any of it anymore.

1:00:44 I just keep teaming up with whoever said Jeff did.

1:00:48 Glad to hear YOU ADMIT IT.

1:00:51 [screaming] WHEN I CALLED YOU TO ASK YOU TO DOUBLE

1:00:52 CROSS ANNIE you didn't hesitate for a second.

1:00:55 Do you even understand what a conspiracy is?

1:00:57 [laughter] If you conspire with every person that approaches

1:00:59 you you're not even really conspiring with anyone.

1:01:01 You're just doing random crap.

1:01:03 I know.

1:01:03 I'm I'm sorry.

1:01:05 I just I just want to have fun with you guys and I go crazy

1:01:11 cooped up in my little office and time TRAVEL IS REALLY HARD TO WRITE ABOUT.

1:01:20 [laughter] OKAY.

1:01:21 IF I'M keeping track right, we should be done.

1:01:25 I'll just take these back to the THEATER DEPARTMENT.

1:01:28 POLICE!

1:01:29 DROP THE WEAPONS!

1:01:30 GET ON THE GROUND!

1:01:31 DON'T SHOOT, OFFICER.

1:01:32 DON'T SHOOT.

1:01:33 PLEASE, THEY'RE FAKE.

1:01:37 THOSE ARE PROP [screaming] GUNS!

1:01:40 WELL, I GUESS IT JUST goes to show you.

1:01:44 Prop guns belong backstage.

1:01:47 And scene.

1:01:49 YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

1:01:53 [laughter]

1:01:53 PROFESSOR GARRITY CALLED AND TOLD me what all of you were up to.

1:01:55 Made me mad.

1:01:57 Guns aren't toys.

1:02:00 Fact: In 100% of all fake gun-related shootings,

1:02:03 the victim is always the one with the fake gun.

1:02:07 Hey Shawn, you got breakfast plans?

1:02:09 I do now.

1:02:10 So, Shawn, we're still on for Thanksgiving, right?

1:02:16 Just talk to your father, Craig.

1:02:18 Wouldn't that be sweet if we were a team, hoodie?

1:02:23 [laughter and gasps] Hey Dean, HOW ABOUT THAT CREDIT?

1:02:26 NO!

1:02:29 [laughter] DEAN, I MEANT UM, OF COURSE YOU KNOW THE REAL POINT OF THAT STORY.

1:02:33 I don't, but that's okay.

1:02:34 Chew.

1:02:36 And the point is I'd been a fool.

1:02:38 Nah, everybody poops their pants.

1:02:40 No, no, no.

1:02:40 I was a fool long before that.

1:02:41 You know, I look back at my life and I think, who was that?

1:02:43 Why did he care so much about so many things that didn't matter?

1:02:46 Yeah, who needs Cougar Town?

1:02:47 Who needs any pop culture whatsoever?

1:02:48 TV, movies, to hell with all of that.

1:02:51 You know what I was, Jeff?

1:02:52 I was that wallet.

1:02:54 On the surface, a reference to some cinematic drivel, but on the inside, empty.

1:02:58 But you love Tarantino.

1:03:01 Not anymore.

1:03:02 That's why I wanted to have this dinner with you.

1:03:04 This is the first birthday of my new life.

1:03:06 You know, the wallet's cute, Jeff,

1:03:07 but I'd like to exchange it for a better gift.

1:03:09 I'm not leaving here until you've given me my first real conversation.

1:03:15 Yay!

1:03:19 Okay.

1:03:20 You want to have a real conversation?

1:03:22 Here's as real as I get under the circumstances.

1:03:25 It's nice that you've learned to dial back your love of TV.

1:03:28 But I'd really like you to come have a milkshake with me.

1:03:31 But before you do, I'd like you to remember how much you enjoy Pulp Fiction.

1:03:36 Now, that's as far as I can go without defeating the purpose.

1:03:38 Really?

1:03:39 Tell it to the bean can here.

1:03:40 Pulp Fiction, milkshakes, bean cans?

1:03:42 Listen how we talk to each other.

1:03:44 We're like robots exchanging catchphrases and references.

1:03:47 Do you think pointing that out counts as a real conversation?

1:03:50 You know how many fake people are talking about how fake the world is right now?

1:03:53 Okay, well, I'm new at this.

1:03:54 So, can you start a real conversation?

1:03:56 I don't believe there's such a thing.

1:03:58 Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality.

1:04:01 We use it to sweet-talk way around natural selection.

1:04:04 You know who has real conversations?

1:04:06 Ants.

1:04:07 They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths.

1:04:10 They get right down to brass tacks.

1:04:12 Which way is the picnic?

1:04:14 That way.

1:04:15 Humans are more evolved.

1:04:17 We lie.

1:04:17 Not all the time.

1:04:18 That's a lie.

1:04:19 We don't lie when we're alone.

1:04:20 Biggest lie ever.

1:04:22 Nine out of 10 lies occur 6 in away from the bathroom mirror.

1:04:25 We do most of our lying alone.

1:04:27 How's it even possible to lie when you're alone?

1:04:28 You can call a phone sex line.

1:04:30 That's lying to yourself.

1:04:31 No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.

1:04:33 What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely?

1:04:35 What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he

1:04:39 weighs 400 lb just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway.

1:04:43 Well, I don't believe that happens.

1:04:45 Wrong.

1:04:45 That's me.

1:04:46 I did that last week.

1:04:48 What?

1:04:49 Why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?

1:04:51 Because I'm scared that if I were overweight, that no one would like me.

1:04:56 God, that feels good to admit.

1:05:00 I'll bet.

1:05:01 The point being The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal

1:05:08 or or real or whatever this is tonight.

1:05:11 The world is a sick place full of sick, sick people.

1:05:19 Can I tell you something I've never told anyone else?

1:05:23 Yes.

1:05:24 Oh my god, are you charting our menstrual cycles?

1:05:28 What?

1:05:29 Gross.

1:05:30 Abed, this is so personal and so accurate.

1:05:33 Abed, this is really creepy.

1:05:34 I don't understand why you would do this.

1:05:36 I can explain.

1:05:38 Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me.

1:05:40 Okay, I can explain.

1:05:41 You know I have trouble reading people and I say the wrong thing sometimes,

1:05:43 and I noticed it was happening more often

1:05:44 with you three than it was with the others.

1:05:46 And then I noticed fluctuating patterns and I started graphing them.

1:05:49 And by the time I realized what I was actually measuring,

1:05:51 it had started to yield really positive

1:05:53 results for everybody, so I kept doing it.

1:05:55 Were you ever going to tell us about this?

1:05:56 I I feel so violated.

1:06:00 This is so creepy.

1:06:01 More chocolate?

1:06:03 [snorts] [screaming] Get away from me.

1:06:06 Abed just became my hero.

1:06:08 Can I have A LITTLE JEEZ, is it true what they say about the sink up?

1:06:13 Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few

1:06:15 words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen,

1:06:17 I want to say thank you for doing this to me.

1:06:20 For a while I thought I'd have to suffer through a puppy parade,

1:06:21 but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum

1:06:24 of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate.

1:06:26 So, whoever you are, can I get you anything?

1:06:29 Ice cream, best friend metal, anything?

1:06:30 Mhm.

1:06:32 Okay.

1:06:33 Sarcasm over.

1:06:34 You're last up, Shirley.

1:06:35 Dump your comedically huge bag and end this.

1:06:36 Uh no, thank you.

1:06:41 Well, well, well.

1:06:43 Harvey Keitel.

1:06:44 Well, what do you know, Henry David Thoreau?

1:06:47 My oh my, my tie.

1:06:49 Son, just empty the bag.

1:06:52 No, I don't have any spin.

1:06:54 I'm simply a Christian woman that doesn't open her bag.

1:06:56 What did the Christian woman think would happen when we got to her bag?

1:07:00 The Christian woman thought you found it on the Muslim.

1:07:01 Real nice.

1:07:02 Nicer than you, condom carrier?

1:07:04 Dump the bag OR YOU'RE GUILTY.

1:07:08 [screaming] OH NO, HE'S THROWING A CLOCK, PIERCE.

1:07:13 [screaming] PIERCE, YOU DIDN'T NEED TO DO THAT.

1:07:15 YES, I did.

1:07:15 All you guys do is talk, leaving me to do the things you won't do.

1:07:19 People like you are the reason we took so long to get into Vietnam.

1:07:24 Is this what you were trying to hide, Shirley?

1:07:27 A pregnancy test?

1:07:28 And more importantly,

1:07:29 are they seriously marketing pregnancy tests to black women?

1:07:32 Guys, this is a terribly childish way to handle this kind of situation.

1:07:38 Does this mean you have a new boyfriend?

1:07:41 Nothing is uh anyone's business.

1:07:44 I recently reconnected with my husband over Labor Day,

1:07:47 and it seems the Lord may have a plan for us

1:07:49 that doesn't include that stripper[ __] he ran away with.

1:07:51 You're not pregnant, Shirley.

1:07:52 It's impossible.

1:07:53 Why does everybody think I'm old?

1:07:54 I'm around Jeff's age.

1:07:55 I have a uterus.

1:07:56 No, no.

1:07:56 According to my charts, you couldn't have conceived Labor Day weekend.

1:07:58 You would have been ovulating on Halloween.

1:08:01 Which is just as well, because if you're going to have a pregnant woman

1:08:03 in one of these, I say go elevator or go home.

1:08:05 Halloween?

1:08:07 Well, that's that, then.

1:08:08 Yeah, what a relief.

1:08:09 Looks like someone narrowly avoided a lifestyle mistake of their own.

1:08:13 Oh, or is it only bad if you sleep with unmarried men?

1:08:16 The Bible doesn't recognize divorce, BRITTA.

1:08:18 WHEN YOU MARRY A MAN, HE'S YOUR MAN.

1:08:19 YEAH, AND AFTER he marries someone else, if you jump into the sack with him,

1:08:22 you're an angel so long as you don't use protection?

1:08:25 I'm so glad you're enjoying this.

1:08:28 AND [snorts] I HOPE WHOEVER STOLE THAT PEN ENJOYS IT IN HELL.

1:08:32 NICE TRY, STEPHEN FRY.

1:08:33 Stephen Fry?

1:08:34 We all have an agreement.

1:08:35 Nobody leaves till we find it.

1:08:39 OH, NO.

1:08:40 YEAH, here we go.

1:08:41 We are going to find this pen.

1:08:43 WE ARE GOING TO FIND THAT PEN.

1:08:46 OH, NO.

1:08:47 AND IF WE CAN'T find it, our children will find it.

1:08:50 Is it over here, THIS THE PEN?

1:08:53 THIS INCREDIBLE, MAGICAL PEN THAT NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT COULD DISAPPEAR.

1:08:58 OH, MAYBE IT'S RIGHT IN HERE.

1:09:01 GUYS, THIS IS SCHOOL PROPERTY.

1:09:02 CAN WE JUST WE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

1:09:03 FORGET IT.

1:09:05 IT'S A PEN.

1:09:12 OH.

1:09:16 IT'S A PEN NOW?

1:09:19 REALLY?

1:09:21 It's not a principal anymore?

1:09:23 Now it's a pen?

1:09:27 Why the change of heart?

1:09:30 You don't seriously accusing me.

1:09:32 We searched my bag.

1:09:33 Which is exactly the last place you'd put

1:09:36 it if you found it halfway through all this.

1:09:38 In fact, assuming that one of us does have the pen,

1:09:41 who among us has the most incentive to make sure it never sees the light of day?

1:09:46 You want to go there?

1:09:46 Yeah.

1:09:47 I'll go there.

1:09:48 Okay.

1:09:48 I was born there.

1:09:50 Really?

1:09:50 There's a placard there commemorating me.