Instant Control - FULL Formula

0:00 For the next few minutes, don't multitask.

0:03 So, if you got tabs open, close them.

0:05 If you're half listening, come all the way in.

0:08 You don't need notes yet.

0:09 I just want you to be present.

0:16 So, the goal here is practical clarity.

0:19 And I mean the clarity that shows up

0:22 or holds up when decisions and outcomes are high stakes,

0:25 when everything matters and there's not a whole lot of room for confusion.

0:30 If you look at all the high stakes environments around the world,

0:33 especially the ones I've been in myself,

0:35 things don't fall apart with a big fight.

0:37 It's not Jerry Springer.

0:38 And what actually happens is a whole lot quieter.

0:42 And at some point, the space tightens up.

0:47 And people get super careful with language.

0:50 And you can kind of watch the shift.

0:52 And when they get careful with language,

0:54 options that were totally on the table without anyone saying it,

1:00 completely stop getting entertained.

1:02 Completely.

1:03 And nobody announces the shift like that.

1:05 It just It just happens.

1:07 But once that happens,

1:09 the conversation doesn't need what we think it needs, which is more energy.

1:13 I need to put more time, more effort, more energy into the conversation.

1:16 And that's the default solution for most people.

1:19 What it needs is more accuracy.

1:22 Let me just show you what I mean.

1:23 If I say, "We need to talk about this." The space stays open.

1:28 If I say, "You and I need to deal with this issue." It narrows down.

1:33 Options get narrowed down.

1:35 If I say, "We need to address a safety concern." [music]

1:39 Then everything changes.

1:40 Same topic.

1:42 Way different behavior on the other end of that.

1:45 So, what shifted [music] is that certain responses to what I

1:50 just said just instantly stopped making sense [music] in your mind.

1:55 This is not persuasion.

1:56 What we're learning here is how to structure reality,

1:59 how to structure not your language per se, but something else.

2:04 So, either way, from here on out,

2:05 we're going to be working at that [music] level where

2:08 situations organize behavior before anybody starts debating any kind of content.

2:14 Here's the first thing that you need and you need it as early

2:17 as possible as I can get it into what we're talking about tonight.

2:20 Whoever decides what kind of thing this is controls everything downstream.

2:26 It's not because the person is right or they

2:29 were proven right or they're smarter or anything like that.

2:31 It's just because our behavior organizes itself around that first decision.

2:38 And before you call it a frame in your mind just

2:41 to feel like you have got something figured out, it's not a frame.

2:45 We're going to get into that.

2:46 Just delete that [music] from your mind just for a minute.

2:48 So, that decision usually happens very fast in a room

2:51 and it happens early on in a conversation.

2:53 [music] But once that decision lands, if you're sitting there arguing details,

2:59 it's already ridiculous because all of your argument

3:02 is showing up after the party's over.

3:04 [music] But I want you to notice how each one

3:07 of these quietly decides what's going to be allowed next.

3:11 So, if I'm in a work or leadership context, I might say,

3:15 "Let's treat this as a coordination [music] issue." Or I might say,

3:20 "It's obvious this is a coordination issue." Everything after that moves

3:24 toward alignment instead of blame

3:26 because I'm treating everything like coordinating.

3:29 What I did was make speed look suspicious instead

3:33 of impressive because some people feel that speed is impressive.

3:37 And nothing of what I said argues anything.

3:39 They just decide the room, the energy, the field, whatever you want to call it.

3:44 And once [music] that's decided, people do the rest themselves.

3:48 But in every example that I just gave you,

3:49 the words didn't persuade or influence.

3:53 It was not the words [music] doing the job.

3:55 This is not about linguistics at all.

3:57 This is about categories.

4:02 So, what your words really did is not influence anybody.

4:05 They sorted out the situation.

4:07 They helped decide which box the situation is going to go into.

4:10 And once it was sorted, the behavior lines up automatically.

4:13 Nobody has to ask it to do anything.

4:15 And I want to talk about how to collapse a frame.

4:18 A frame decides context before content.

4:21 That's what a frame does.

4:23 A frame sets tempo, [music]

4:26 emotional range, what sounds appropriate, what makes somebody sound reckless,

4:31 and what behaviors feel allowed in the situation.

4:35 So, once a frame lands, [music] behavior organizes itself around the frame.

4:39 If you set the frame, persuasion is not your job anymore.

4:43 Let's talk about how to install a frame [music] first.

4:45 So, the method essentially here is the first name wins.

4:50 So, whoever names the situation first usually controls it.

4:54 And this is because the nervous system, it's universal, prefers early structure.

4:58 [music] So, if you want to install a frame, you just follow these four steps.

5:03 Number one is name it very early.

5:06 Name it calmly.

5:08 Name it without justification and name it like it was obvious all along.

5:13 The more boring it sounds, the stronger the frame is.

5:17 Always remember, if I'm calling attention

5:19 with flowery language language for the frame, [music]

5:21 it's automatically and I'm putting it up

5:23 on a platter to see if somebody can reject it.

5:25 So, you might start a conversation with, "Let's treat

5:28 this as a coordination issue." Or this is a safety conversation.

5:33 [music] This is a learning moment.

5:34 This is about stability.

5:35 All those things that we just talked about.

5:36 This is about alignment.

5:38 You're not arguing.

5:39 You're deciding what room you're in.

5:41 But after you install a frame, let me just walk through what is going to change.

5:45 Once a frame lands, first thing

5:48 that happens is objections reclassify themselves.

5:52 So, any any objection to what's going on or what

5:55 you're saying is going to reclassify itself in the moment.

5:58 [music] Instantly.

5:59 Like what's allowed and what's not.

6:01 The second thing that happens is the tone adjusts.

6:04 The tone, the behavior in the room without anybody saying anything.

6:07 So, we're setting operating conditions.

6:10 And there's no secret phrases that you [music] need to know.

6:12 There's no linguistics.

6:13 We're just defining the situation as early as possible.

6:16 There's a second weapon that I want to give

6:18 you and this is how to defang a frame.

6:21 [music] And I say fang as like Dracula vampire fangs.

6:24 And this would be meta exposure.

6:27 If someone else installs a hostile frame, you do not argue inside of it.

6:32 Never ever argue inside of someone else's frame.

6:35 That is hard rule that should never be violated, especially by an author.

6:39 You surface their frame instead of arguing inside of it.

6:42 So, the moment that that person's frame becomes visible, it loses automation.

6:47 So, [clears throat] the only rule here,

6:48 there's the the biggest rule of and you just burn this onto your mind,

6:52 never attack content.

6:54 You always attack context.

6:57 So, just kind of burn this into your mind.

6:59 If you're arguing content, you're [music] validating the frame.

7:03 So, here's the way to defang a frame.

7:06 And it's four steps.

7:07 [music] First is distance the frame from the person.

7:12 You don't say, "Oh, I see how you're doing

7:14 this thing." And it's really shitty that you're doing that.

7:17 So, we're pulling it away from the person.

7:19 We make it a common pattern.

7:20 It's not their thing.

7:22 It's just a common [music] thing that happens.

7:24 Not a common thing that people do while we're pointing at them.

7:27 It's a common thing that happens.

7:28 [music] It's away from them.

7:30 Next is naming the structure.

7:33 We name the structure.

7:34 So, we distance it from the person, then we name the structure.

7:37 So, it's frame, behavior, outcome.

7:39 Next, we're going to externalize the consequences.

7:42 And we're going to let the patterns do all the arguing.

7:44 All the patterns.

7:46 And finally, and this is the biggest part, is offer an exit.

7:50 We offer an exit without replacing the frame yet.

7:54 So, we're letting them get onto the the exit ramp

7:57 before we give them a new on-ramp to come onto.

8:00 Then that's the exit there.

8:01 So, if it's a conflict scenario, I'm going to go through those same four steps.

8:05 I might say something like,

8:06 "I think we're sliding into a win-lose posture [music] here." So,

8:10 remember, step one is distance from that human.

8:13 You might say, you know, "There's a really common pattern that shows up

8:16 in conversations [music] like this." Step two, name the structure.

8:20 It They just start to organize themselves [music] like a power struggle.

8:25 Step three, externalize the consequences.

8:28 And I mean, you see it everywhere.

8:30 Once it happens, everything escalates and nobody

8:32 actually feels hurt or feels better.

8:35 Then we offer the exit.

8:36 I just want us to step out of that pattern for a second.

8:39 [music] We're changing the altitude of what's going on.

8:43 We're pulling up and showing them a a higher altitude.

8:45 [music] And this is defanging.

8:48 So, frames are automatic.

8:49 So, this person is not doing this consciously.

8:51 They're not consciously doing all this stuff.

8:53 [music] We're calling the unconscious into conscious awareness.

8:57 So, frames are automatic until they are observed.

9:00 Once observed, they require attention and maintenance [music] and consideration,

9:04 which they never required if they're in the unconscious.

9:08 So, what happens?

9:08 It's going to collapse.

9:09 When you use this method, it's going to collapse because that person

9:12 doesn't know how to consciously control [music] it.

9:15 So, relief shows up first and then thinking comes back.

9:18 So, the next weapon is frame replacement.

9:21 [music] By the way, none of this is in this book.

9:25 None.

9:25 But it all is if you take 10 years and dissect it.

9:30 So, now we have frame replacement.

9:31 And this is kind of just a soft substitution.

9:34 So, we're not really replacing a frame immediately.

9:37 [music] We're letting the old one kind

9:39 of die off and then we're offering a quieter, little safer [music] alternative.

9:43 So, what if we took a war discussion and turned it into coordination?

9:47 It's a small move and it's kind of soft.

9:49 What if we took something that somebody thought [music]

9:51 was a threat and we changed it to risk?

9:54 What if we took conflict and turned it into misunderstanding?

9:56 [music] Or if you take an emergency, what are you allowed to do in an emergency?

10:01 Anything you want, right?

10:02 Anything goes.

10:03 I've got to kill this guy.

10:05 I've got to win the case.

10:06 I've got to do whatever.

10:07 Take an emergency and turn it into a process.

10:09 So, here's the biggest mistake that you will probably make

10:12 even though I'm going to tell you not to do it.

10:13 You are probably going to sell the new frame.

10:17 You're going to try to sell it.

10:18 You're going to try to convince somebody to adopt the idea.

10:20 But, what you should be doing is you

10:22 let it feel like the only reasonable option.

10:25 So, what I want you to watch out for is over explaining, sounding clever,

10:31 maybe moralizing this thing, or rushing the exit,

10:35 like pushing them harder toward the exit.

10:38 And then, biggest of all, which would be number five, is needing to win.

10:42 But, I want you to notice across every example, no arguments were won or lost.

10:48 Not one fact, not one fact was added by me.

10:53 And zero authority was asserted.

10:55 None.

10:56 No authority.

10:58 So, the room changed first and everything else followed after that.

11:01 So, frames control tempo and behavior.

11:05 Categories control permission and meaning.

11:10 So, let me reword that.

11:12 Frames decide how we move, categories decide what is allowed.

11:17 Next, we're going to stop the structures from getting too loose.

11:21 Let's start locking things down.

11:23 That's where outcomes stop being negotiable.

11:25 I know this probably isn't what you planned to watch right this second,

11:28 but if you give me a minute,

11:29 this might be one of the most useful things that you will ever hear.

11:33 Most people in your life that you know are listening to just words,

11:38 but behavior doesn't come [music] from words.

11:40 It comes from what's underneath all of those words.

11:43 At NCI level two, you're going to start seeing that layer.

11:47 All of the motives, the incentives,

11:49 the drivers, pressure, all the stress and deception.

11:53 You don't just hear what somebody says,

11:55 you understand why they're saying [music] it.

11:58 And you can predict behavior before it happens.

12:00 You can spot what's real and what isn't.

12:03 And that changes every interaction you have.

12:06 I have seen this change thousands of lives

12:09 and I feel compelled to tell you about it.

12:11 I at least want you to check it out.

12:13 So, once you see this level of reality, you're not going to go back.

12:17 This is NCI level two.

12:20 The link is right down there in the description.

12:22 Let's get back to the video.

12:24 But, I want you to know what a category really is.

12:26 Up until right now, we've been loosening stuff up.

12:29 Kind of loosening what's going on or redefining something,

12:32 slowing the room down,

12:33 collapsing some hostile frame, restoring options to people.

12:38 That's defense.

12:39 So, I want to switch direction here.

12:41 And there's a point where you you don't want openness.

12:44 You want closure.

12:46 So, a category, what this whole book is about, categories, is not a label.

12:51 A category is a permission package for a human brain.

12:55 The moment that a category lands, some behaviors feel justified,

12:59 some objections sound immoral [music] and make you feel like a bad person,

13:04 some questions feel inappropriate, some people, all of a sudden,

13:08 because they're new categories, they sound reckless.

13:11 So, categories decide.

13:13 [music] So, the big rule that matters here when we're talking about

13:16 these categories and putting people

13:18 into categories and situations in the categories,

13:21 100% of arguments happen inside of categories.

13:26 There is no exception to this.

13:28 So, if I decide what kind of thing this is,

13:31 your opinions are just little decorations.

13:35 It doesn't matter anymore.

13:36 So, you can argue forever and still lose

13:38 because the decision already happened upstream of your argument.

13:43 That's what I mean by this.

13:44 This exact process right here is how I win

13:47 I have like a 100% win rate in trial consulting.

13:52 So, the the first weapon I'm going to give you when

13:54 it comes to categories is how to lock down a category.

13:59 [music] And we're basically engineering someone's permission here.

14:02 So, our goal is it to convince anybody of anything?

14:06 Hopefully, you know better by now.

14:07 We're not convincing.

14:09 The goal is to authorize behavior so it enforces itself.

14:12 This starts with [music] understanding and compartmentalizing in your brain,

14:18 like this is the one thing I'll tell you you've got to memorize this this idea,

14:22 this concept of these high-level categories.

14:26 And you've got to use these pretty carefully.

14:28 So, each of these little categories comes with built-in permissions.

14:32 If I trigger safety, obedience feels ethical,

14:36 delay feels dangerous, and dissent or disagreement is reckless.

14:41 It's automated.

14:42 I'm automating human behavior.

14:44 They just justify instantaneously.

14:46 So, that's just understanding that that general.

14:48 So, how do we install a category?

14:51 So, category lockdown works when it is four things:

14:55 early, calm, boring, and uncontested.

15:00 Just those four things.

15:02 [music] So, you're not announcing it, you're just placing it,

15:04 like you're setting something on a table.

15:07 It's boring, it's uncontested, it's just right there.

15:10 And some example statements that you might use here is,

15:13 "This is obviously a safety issue."

15:15 Or, "This is 100% about professional standards."

15:20 Or, "This conversation is all about

15:22 prevention." Or, "Risk management is our number

15:25 one goal here and I think you would agree that nothing's more important

15:29 than that." If we get a category kind of put into the conversation,

15:32 we want to shield it.

15:34 We want to do category shielding.

15:36 This is the next weapon here.

15:37 And it and I think it's a pretty logical next step.

15:40 So, this is kind of moral immunity through category.

15:44 So, once something lives inside the right category,

15:48 criticism sounds utterly and absolutely insane.

15:52 [music] And just think about this.

15:54 I want you to think about this.

15:55 I want you to think about this shift that can happen.

15:58 If we're inside of safety, criticism equals recklessness.

16:02 If we're inside care, criticism is cruelty.

16:06 If we're inside of talking about expert

16:09 guidance or receiving expert guidance from somebody,

16:12 now your criticism is just ignorance.

16:14 If what we're doing is inside

16:16 of a conversation that if I've categorized as professionalism,

16:19 criticism is just immaturity.

16:22 The category defends itself.

16:25 You don't have to defend There's one dark part of this that I wasn't

16:28 going to go into, but I'm going to I'm just going to do it.

16:31 But, let me I got to set your brain up for this.

16:32 If you give me a minute to do that.

16:34 The human system hates ambiguity.

16:38 Our brains are nauseated and allergic to ambiguity,

16:42 especially when we need answers.

16:44 Ambiguity costs mental energy.

16:46 Our brain's job is to preserve it, right?

16:48 What saves energy the fastest in the brain?

16:51 When the brain knows what category it can operate in.

16:53 It doesn't have to think anymore.

16:55 So, when a category lands, the system rewards itself with relief.

17:01 Relief feels like truth.

17:04 This is why people defend categories even when evidence contradicts them.

17:09 Like the cult that says the UFO's going to come pick us all up on December 9th,

17:14 2023 and it never shows up.

17:16 So, I want you to know category control,

17:21 it fails the moment that you're moralizing,

17:24 you're rushing, you're trying to sound clever,

17:27 you corner someone's identity like an idiot.

17:29 And then, what does that automatically do is

17:31 the next thing is blocking all the exits.

17:34 So, they can't get out of their thing without saving face.

17:37 When people feel trapped, they do not comply.

17:42 What do you have when people feel trapped?

17:43 It's revolt.

17:45 It's the same with a a freaking hamster in a hamster cage or a cat.

17:51 They revolt.

17:52 If you're doing clean work in categories,

17:55 you are preserving dignity, you are allowing exits,

17:59 and it should feel obvious instead of forced to the other person.

18:03 So, you do not win arguments or debates

18:06 or discussions or negotiations by having better facts.

18:11 And every attorney in the world will tell you that I'm an idiot for saying that.

18:14 So, would you rather win an argument or win an outcome?

18:17 We want to win outcomes.

18:19 Attorneys want to win arguments.

18:21 That's the difference.

18:22 And you win the outcome by deciding what kind of reality people are standing in.

18:29 So, once the category hardens,

18:30 once it become turns into wood, the debate is over already.

18:34 So, we talked about frames.

18:36 Frames decide how we move, categories decide what's allowed,

18:40 but what is it that tells us who we can be inside of a reality?

18:46 So, up to now, we've been working outside of the other person.

18:49 Frames are dictating the room,

18:51 categories are dictating the rules or what's allowed in the situation.

18:54 That's powerful, but it those are temporary.

18:56 What I just talked about is temporary because the most

19:00 durable control is not about the conversation or the room.

19:04 It's it lives in somebody who believes that they're inside of that area.

19:08 So, most people think identity is a set of traits.

19:11 We've dispelled this probably ad nauseam in grad school.

19:16 It's not a set of traits, it's a metaphor that turned into a hard object.

19:21 That's what it is.

19:22 And once identity hardens, behavior's automatic.

19:24 So, a metaphor We've done a bunch of grad school lectures about metaphor.

19:30 I highly encourage you,

19:31 especially with this as priming in your brain for this week,

19:35 I want you to permanently divorce the idea

19:37 of metaphor as linguistic tool in your mind, permanently.

19:41 Metaphor is not linguistic.

19:43 It has nothing to do with with language.

19:45 I want you to get rid of that idea.

19:47 Metaphors are somatic.

19:49 It is a somatic tool.

19:51 I uh don't care about like oh, it uses words.

19:54 I don't give a And you hear these metaphors all the time.

19:57 And your brain didn't fully process that there's a metaphor going on.

20:01 You hear these people say, "Oh, I'm a fighter.

20:04 I'm broken.

20:05 I'm behind.

20:06 I'm the responsible one.

20:07 I'm not that kind of person.

20:08 I have to be in control.

20:10 I can't let my guard down." You think that's a metaphor?

20:12 I can't let my guard down?

20:13 Think about it.

20:16 What is a guard?

20:17 What is that phrase coming from?

20:19 Fighting, right?

20:21 Our identity is a metaphor.

20:23 Metaphors are constraints.

20:26 So, each one of these things,

20:28 if you keep saying that about yourself, you're going to live that life.

20:30 So, you're not removing a person's identity metaphors.

20:33 What you want to do is supersede the metaphor.

20:36 Leave that one in, make something stronger.

20:38 So, if you negate identity, you trigger a defense.

20:43 I create alter egos literally for a living.

20:46 So, please take my word on this.

20:49 If you negate identity, you trigger defense.

20:51 If you attack identity, you're going to get them to entrench themselves,

20:56 to dig their heels in.

20:58 If you're a good operator, you're a good author, you will never ever say any

21:02 words even remotely resembling the following sentence.

21:05 You're wrong about yourself.

21:07 You will never say anything like that for the rest of your life.

21:12 A good operator, good author, says,

21:15 "There's maybe a better way to describe what's going on." I

21:20 want you to understand the unbelievably huge chasm between those two things.

21:25 So, here's how to do the metaphor swap.

21:27 And this is the identity suppression weapon.

21:30 You keep dignity and you add movement.

21:33 That's what all we're going to do.

21:34 So, the way to do this cleanly is to preserve the person's status.

21:38 Are we going to question their intent?

21:40 As if they have bad or good intent?

21:43 Nope.

21:43 We want to preserve the intent,

21:46 [music]

21:45 but we want to change the metaphor underneath those things.

21:49 So, never negate an identity.

21:51 Only offer a more accurate organizing

21:55 metaphor that makes the old one irrelevant.

21:57 That was a really run-on sentence, but that's the best I could do.

22:00 Here's the rule of thumb, and I want you to fully memorize this.

22:04 This is very important.

22:06 If the person, the other person,

22:07 ever ever ever has to internally say, "No, I'm not." You're done.

22:14 And you will not get what you want.

22:15 So, the old examples that you might have heard are, "You're not angry.

22:19 You're just protective." What's the first thing I did right there?

22:22 I negated identity.

22:24 I negated what someone was identifying with.

22:27 So, what actually happens internally is identity is challenged,

22:30 there's a micro defense.

22:32 Then the person that's hearing you evaluates you instead of the metaphor.

22:38 Now, you're the one being evaluated, not the words.

22:41 So, even when the reframe is really badass and really good,

22:45 the not creates friction.

22:48 So, if somebody's broken, there's a process, right?

22:51 How do we want to go from like

22:52 somebody is broken to saying that they're just overloaded?

22:56 You might say something like, "You know,

22:58 I think a lot of people would look

23:00 at this and assume that something's wrong with them.

23:02 But, if you zoom out for just a second,

23:04 you're carrying way more than anybody would be expected to carry cleanly.

23:11 This looks like overload, not damage to me.

23:14 We're naming a function, [music] which is the load.

23:17 We leave their dignity intact, and there's no negotiation.

23:21 Let's say somebody's uh pissed off, they're angry.

23:24 But, we want to reframe that into being protective.

23:28 Or we're going to say, "I don't think you're really angry here." [music]

23:30 You might say, "You know what I'm seeing here isn't just random emotion.

23:34 It looks like something you care about feels exposed,

23:36 and your system stepped in to guard it."

23:39 And that is protection showing up really quick when it's needed.

23:44 [music] So, we're moving through that meaning instead of against it.

23:46 We're framing emotion, what they're doing as intelligent.

23:50 And we're preserving [music] their status.

23:52 It names function, not a [music] trait.

23:55 I want you to write that one down.

23:57 What you're naming is a function, not a trait.

24:00 That's the trick.

24:02 And that's the trick for all of these.

24:04 We're naming the function of what's happening instead

24:06 [music] of traits of what people are doing.

24:09 So, just as an example of naming function instead of trait,

24:12 you might say something like,

24:14 "You know, that reaction makes sense as [music] a protective move." No traits.

24:19 Or you might say, "You know, that behavior makes sense with somebody that has

24:22 a system that's under a whole lot of stress."

24:25 [music] Or you might say, "That's what's I think that's what stabilization

24:27 is supposed to look like under pressure." If you name a function,

24:30 identity reorganizes on its own.

24:34 So, here's a simple check that you can run live in real time.

24:38 This is exactly what I teach these like crazy attorneys to do.

24:41 And most of my income comes [music] from trial consulting.

24:44 So, before you reframe anything, ask yourself,

24:47 "Does this sentence require the person to [music] abandon something?

24:51 Or does it give them a better place to stand?" So,

24:54 anything that requires abandonment has to have a rewrite.

24:58 Anytime we're changing identity or container, we're changing what action means.

25:02 That's all we're doing.

25:03 There's one more weapon here that called a metaphor trap.

25:07 If they defend who they are, then you have caused yourself to lose all leverage.

25:14 So, it should feel if you're doing this metaphor stuff cleanly,

25:18 it should feel optional, respectful, and accurate.

25:22 If it feels optional, it sticks.

25:24 So, frames decide the room.

25:27 Categories decide what's allowed.

25:28 Metaphors decide who you can be.

25:30 Then now we kind of collapse all this, cuz none of this matters

25:33 unless you can run it in sequence under pressure without thinking.

25:36 So, we've pulled [music] apart three things so far.

25:39 We've pulled apart frames, how situations get momentum.

25:43 We pulled apart categories.

25:46 This is how permission gets frozen in place.

25:49 And then we pull out these metaphors, and this is how identity gets organized.

25:53 So, none of these live on their own.

25:54 They run in sequence.

25:56 It's this sequence, what we talked about tonight,

25:59 they're in that order every time.

26:01 So, this is the loop.

26:02 In my estimation, this is the way that reality gets

26:07 decided before anybody thinks that they're deciding anything at all.

26:11 So, step one is set the altitude.

26:14 Every interaction that you're going to have starts at some kind of height.

26:17 Some conversations start low as hell.

26:20 They're emotional, urgent, reactive, personal, maybe nasty, contested.

26:28 But, other conversations are going to start way too high.

26:32 Maybe they're too calm, abstract, procedural, clinical, sterile, slow,

26:37 oatmeal, boring as whatever you want to call it.

26:41 So, whoever controls altitude controls tempo.

26:45 That's why the first move you will make is never ever ever ever about content.

26:50 [music] This is where a conversation is happening from.

26:53 So, if somebody's hot, you're not diving in.

26:57 You're rising up.

26:58 You're slowing the pace down.

26:59 You're widening the view.

27:00 You name the structure instead of responding to the pressure.

27:03 There's They're giving you pressure, and that doesn't matter.

27:07 So, step two is just to name the frame.

27:09 So, once altitude's stable, the next move is just context frame.

27:13 [music] You decide what kind of situation it is, and you do it casually.

27:17 You do it early, and like it was obvious all along.

27:20 [music] Like, this is clearly a coordination issue.

27:24 Or this is [music] obviously we want

27:26 to have this conversation because we're talking about stability,

27:29 and this is all about stability.

27:30 Or this is a learning moment.

27:33 Once the frame lands, behavior is going to reorganize.

27:35 So, step three, lock the category down when needed, when you need to.

27:40 Uh which you'll probably be doing a lot more

27:41 of this, a lot a lot of this lockdown.

27:43 So, you need to know frames loosen things.

27:46 Categories freeze them.

27:48 And when you need movement, you defang.

27:51 When you need alignment, you lock.

27:53 So, that should hopefully make sense if that wasn't too weird sounding.

27:58 If you want somebody to move, you're defanging.

28:01 So, you're kind of change shifting their behavior.

28:04 If you need alignment [music] with you, you lock in a frame.

28:06 So, once a category hardens, objections reclassify themselves,

28:10 hesitation is immoral, resistance is reckless.

28:13 You don't force anything.

28:14 So, then we move to step four.

28:15 And step four is shape identity through metaphor.

28:20 And this is where you kind of bring in the final ending here.

28:23 You're pointing to function instead of character, function not character,

28:27 describing the pattern under the behavior until the old

28:30 label they were using doesn't make sense anymore.

28:33 [music] Step five, shut up.

28:36 This is the part that most people [music]

28:38 ruin because you're not comfortable with silence yet.

28:42 So, you just stop talking.

28:43 Silence [music] lets the person's brain finish the job.

28:48 So, here's the part I didn't tell you.

28:50 The sequence that I just described,

28:52 I've been running it on you since the beginning of this.

28:55 [music] If you think back to the beginning of the lecture tonight,

28:57 I didn't argue I slowed the entire room down.

29:01 I set the tone.

29:03 I framed what kind of space this is and what tonight was going to be.

29:07 I constrained what counted as reasonable,

29:11 and I offered identities that you could inhabit without friction.

29:14 That was the sequence.

29:16 If influence is really clean, it will never ever feel like force,

29:20 and someone could videotape you and not be able to see what's going on.

29:25 [music] That's the truth.

29:26 And this loop is running everywhere, no matter what.

29:29 Meetings, relationships, culture, crisis, whatever.

29:32 Most people don't see it.

29:33 So, what do most people do?

29:35 They argue conclusions while somebody else decides the context.

29:40 They debate facts while somebody else controls permission.

29:44 [music] They fight outcomes while somebody else is shaping identity.

29:49 So once you can see this, you don't get to pretend it's not happening anymore.

29:52 You're responsible for how you use it, of course.

29:55 [music] You could stabilize or escalate.

29:56 You could destabilize somebody.

29:58 You could run somebody into the ground, [music] which I hope you never do.

30:01 But to create alignment or enforce compliance is

30:04 how I hope you start using this this week.

30:07 [music] So, the final big tattoo I want to put on your conscious

30:10 mind is never argue inside a reality that you did not [music] choose.

30:17 So if something feels heated, check the altitude.

30:21 If somebody feels really frozen, [music] check the category.

30:26 If something feels super stuck, listen for the metaphor in the identity.

30:31 And if you ever feel completely certain, that's the moment to ask,

30:37 what structure am I standing in right now?

30:39 The moment you feel certain, that's when you should be asking,

30:43 [music] what structure am I standing in?

30:46 I want to be straight with you really quick.

30:49 NCI level four, which is called grad school, it's my life's work.

30:54 20 years in the Navy, every hour of research,

30:56 every program that I've ever built in my life,

30:59 the entire NCI system all leads here.

31:03 This is the reason Dr.

31:04 Phil called me the best in the world at what I do.

31:07 It's why you've seen me on pretty much every podcast on the planet.

31:11 [music] It all comes from this.

31:12 Think about the last time you walked into a room where you were outmatched,

31:15 outranked, the other side had lawyers and leverage

31:19 and pretty much [music] every structural advantage,

31:21 and you sat there knowing that you were about to get handled,

31:25 and [music] there was nothing you could do about it.

31:27 You felt it before anybody even opened their mouth.

31:32 [music] NCI 4 flips that permanently.

31:33 You're going to learn the most advanced methods in the world,

31:37 I guarantee [music] it,

31:38 with influence formulas that stack multiple techniques in sequences

31:42 to produce outcomes most people wouldn't even believe were possible.

31:51 [music] [music] The world is breathing.

32:09 [music] Afraid of sound.

32:13 No echoes [music] here.

32:17 On sacred ground.

32:19 [music] A quiet pulse.

32:23 A steady beat.

32:24 [music] The truth we feel in simple heat.

32:30 Barefoot steps [music] on hallowed ground.

32:34 A sacred rhythm we have found.

32:42 [music] [music] [music] The world just breathes and I can feel it.

33:02 [music] A perfect [singing] promise can't conceal it.

33:05 The shadows leaning on the light.

33:08 [singing and music] Another beautiful quiet night.

33:18 [music] [music] [music] The past is gone, but we [singing] remain.

33:36 Washing over all the [singing] pain.

33:40 A simple [music] truth.

33:42 A feeling pure.

33:44 A soft connection to endure.

33:52 [music] [singing] [music] [music]

34:06 The world just [singing] breathes and I can feel it.

34:10 A perfect promise [music] can't conceal it.

34:15 The shadows leaning [singing] on the light.

34:19 Another beautiful [music] quiet [singing] night.

34:31 [music] [music] [music] [singing] [music] This quiet night.

35:05 What remains for us?

35:14 And the world just breathes.

35:15 [music]