how 2020 has me feeling

0:00 hey how are you it's been a while since

0:02 we caught up oh me what have i been up to oh i want

0:06 to talk your year off

0:08 okay if you insist it's not like i have

0:10 a four-page voiceover prepared about the

0:12 past few months or anything

0:17 when i moved to new york in february i

0:19 came here with a bulletproof sense of

0:20 purpose usually reserved for college

0:22 freshmen and superheroes ever narrativizing my own life i was

0:26 sure i was entering a new and improved

0:28 chapter new definitely improved

0:32 well spoiler alert but you already know

0:35 what happens next i spent what was supposed to be two

0:38 weeks and slowly blend into two months

0:40 without a single living creature

0:42 save the cockroaches i discovered in my

0:43 apartment my accidental solitary confinement

0:48 officially ended in june

0:49 when my best friend moved to new york

0:51 we'd been facetiming across 3 000 miles

0:53 for years so it still feels kind of fake that he

0:56 exists in more than 720p

0:58 we used to hate each other in high

0:59 school and now we still hate each other

1:01 but we're[ __] if there's anything this[ __] of

1:06 a year has taught me it is the art of

1:08 wasting time for so long i've had this background

1:10 anxiety that i'm not doing enough

1:12 each year each month each day each[ __] hour

1:15 as if my own life were a race and i was

1:17 constantly behind on a never-ending

1:19 ever urgent to-do list a couple months

1:22 ago to calm my anxiety

1:23 i even listed out all the activities and

1:25 accomplishments and work stuff i did

1:27 last year just to assure myself that i wasn't

1:29 wasting away my own life

1:31 why am i 20[ __] two and still trying

1:34 to pad my resume for non-existent

1:36 college applications in july i witnessed the city's sputter

1:41 back to life the first day i got to work outside at a

1:44 coffee shop i could have[ __] cried

1:46 and for once not just because i paid

1:48 seven dollars for glorified clean water

1:51 the strange thing is i know the city

1:53 once held millions more people on its

1:55 streets but i honestly can't remember what it

1:57 looked like now even a couple people drinking on the

2:01 sidewalk feels like[ __] times square

2:05 in august elena moved back to the city

2:07 and threw me a belated birthday party to

2:08 make up for the one i'd spent crying

2:10 alone during quarantine honestly birthdays always make me

2:13 nervous because i'm afraid that people

2:14 will think i'm weird for not having more

2:16 close friends to celebrate with

2:18 but leilani and gabby who i only just

2:20 met once in february when i first moved

2:21 to new york picked things right up where we left off

2:26 despite everyone finally trickling from

2:28 their parents home back into the city

2:30 i can't help but feel a bit cynical it

2:33 feels like when i started college a

2:34 quarter early by the time the freshmen arrived eyes

2:37 bright notebooks ready livers intact i was already jaded enough

2:41 to know that it wouldn't last

2:44 so i've been thinking about moving

2:45 lately first thing in the morning and

2:47 last thing at night

2:48 i reload zillow until i find the perfect

2:50 apartment that i can imagine the perfect

2:52 life in oh there i'd have enough space to paint

2:55 there i could get a dog

2:57 there i could finally learn to cook

2:58 without setting off a[ __] fire alarm

3:01 i know it's just escapism at least in

3:03 part let's be honest

3:04 i'll never learn to cook but i can't

3:06 help wondering if life really would be

3:08 easier somewhere else maybe life isn't easy anywhere right now

3:12 maybe life isn't easy anywhere

3:14 ever but maybe life doesn't have to cost

3:16 2 000[ __] dollars a month for a 10

3:18 by 10 box at least

3:21 [Music] back in march my hometown friends in

3:27 maryland placed a bet on when we'd be

3:29 able to hang out again

3:30 whoever lost had to buy the winner as a

3:32 fleshlight did you know that you could

3:34 personalize the texture of the inside of your

3:36 fleshlight well now i do

3:38 unfortunately i honestly had a lot of

3:41 trouble writing this part because i know

3:43 my friends might listen to it and i'm

3:45 always afraid i'm going to creep people

3:46 out with how much they matter to me

3:48 or confuse them with why i say i care so

3:50 much but still take weeks to text back

3:52 i think sometimes i socialize best in my

3:54 own head or through memories on film

3:56 processed weeks later and cherished

3:58 alone so i'll just say this you know how with

4:01 nearly everyone your parents your boss

4:04 a first date you have to edit yourself

4:06 into whatever version they'd be most

4:07 comfortable with with them i don't have to think about it

4:11 and that's so[ __] rare

4:13 they put up with me when i was a kiss

4:15 ass in elementary school a head ass in

4:17 middle school and an[ __] in high school and they

4:19 sure as hell put up with me now

4:21 there have been years when we've been

4:23 close years we've hurt each other

4:24 and years we haven't spoken at all but

4:26 every now and again when we come back

4:28 together it really does feel like home

4:30 [Music] i'd be lying though if i painted this

4:37 summer as a neat react plot structure

4:39 with the perfect ending

4:40 the truth of it has been messy and

4:42 confusing and lovely and depressing all

4:44 at once several months later i finally found the

4:47 time in my google calendar to process

4:48 the drama of quarantine

4:50 not to be too dramatic but i think i was

4:52 in survival mode for so long just trying

4:55 to get through each week

4:56 but now that i finally have room to

4:58 breathe now that life is

4:59 normal-ish but not really normal now

5:01 that things are looking up

5:03 now that i don't have a real reason to

5:05 explain why i can't get out of bed

5:07 this has been the hardest part i'm a

5:10 chronically future oriented person

5:12 i've never in my life learn how to live

5:14 in the moment and the future has just fallen out i

5:17 found myself turning to incognito tabs

5:20 late at night to ask

5:21 where should i move when will this all

5:23 be over what's going to happen next

5:26 but it turns out there are some

5:27 questions even google doesn't have the

5:28 answers to lately sometimes i've been doing all

5:32 right good even i get along i do my job i live in the

5:36 moment i'm hashtag grateful for it all but

5:39 sometimes i want to scream

5:41 what the[ __] is going on why is

5:43 everything so different now

5:44 why is everyone acting so[ __] normal

5:50 i've been trying to come up with a

5:51 satisfying conclusion to this video

5:53 but the thing i resent the most is all

5:55 the catchphrases and cliches they've

5:56 come up with the new normal alone together if i hear

6:01 these unprecedented times one more[ __] time i swear to god i will go

6:05 outside and get a stranger to cough on

6:07 me sometimes i feel like i have to pretend

6:09 to know the answers so i can be a good

6:11 example or at least have it more figured out

6:13 than everyone else but honestly

6:15 i feel like i'm falling off a cliff and

6:16 still worried about what outfit i'm

6:18 gonna wear so i guess that's all i have for now as

6:21 unsatisfying as that is

6:23 [Music] thanks for indulging me as always i hope

6:27 that you only threw up in your mouth a

6:28 little bit with how cheesy this

6:30 voiceover was i really hope you guys are holding up

6:33 and i'll see you soon