Why you feel what you feel | Alan Watkins | TEDxOxford

0:00 Translator: Queenie Lee Reviewer: Peter van de Ven Good afternoon.

0:09 It's a real pleasure to do another TED Talk.

0:12 And today I'm going to talk to you about you.

0:16 And share with you, hopefully,

0:19 an idea that's really made a massive difference in my life

0:22 and hopefully could make a massive difference in your life too.

0:26 I've spent my life, really, studying human beings.

0:30 When I was a kid, I was the youngest of four,

0:32 so I spent a lot of time just watching my brothers and sisters and seeing

0:35 the mess and the challenge that they got

0:37 into, and trying to clock how I avoided that.

0:40 Then I had the great fortune of training as a physician,

0:43 and some of you may know

0:45 that medical training is the most incredible opportunity,

0:48 because you get up close and personal with human

0:51 suffering on every single level, on a daily basis.

0:55 I've been in a room where people have died right in front of me,

0:58 and it's a really profound moment.

1:00 I've also been in a room where life has come into the world;

1:03 I've delivered a number of children,

1:06 including three of my own four boys, one of whom is at the back- Hi, son.

1:12 (Laughter) (Son from the audience) Hi, dad!

1:19 So medical training, a fantastic experience.

1:23 I became a researcher, initially an immunologist,

1:26 and studied right down to the nano detail of how

1:29 our white blood cells roll along the inside of our blood

1:32 vessels and with really clever adhesion molecules stick and kind

1:36 of squeeze out between the endothelia cells and fight infection.

1:40 More recently as a neuroscientist.

1:41 So right down at nano level.

1:44 And also at a much bigger scale.

1:46 I had the good fortune of working with CEOs and leaders

1:49 around the world in some of our biggest companies and multi-nationals,

1:53 looking at the hidden social dynamics and the networks

1:55 that exist that determine whether a company succeeds or fails.

2:00 As you heard, I've worked with elite athletes, helping them to win gold medals.

2:05 I've read a lot, learned a lot.

2:07 And through all that time, one question kept bothering me,

2:11 sort of eating away at my brain.

2:14 And that question was: if you could teach yourself,

2:18 your children, or anybody one thing, what would it be?

2:23 What would that one thing be?

2:25 You can only teach one thing of all the things I've learned and understood,

2:29 and it's that that I want to share with you today.

2:31 What is that one thing?

2:32 I can tell you it's not "Eat an apple"; that's not what it is.

2:37 We're going to talk about that.

2:38 But before, I want to return, just, to really the story of you.

2:42 I don't know whether you remember,

2:44 but there was a time before you knew you existed.

2:48 For some of you that was probably last Friday night, after a skinful.

2:51 (Laughter) But as we all grow up,

2:55 there's a moment in our life- and this is a really

2:57 beautiful moment if you witness it- where you can see,

3:00 about one year old- it might happen a bit sooner, a bit later,

3:03 but roughly about one year old- where

3:05 a child realizes they exist as a physical entity.

3:08 It's that moment where they look in the mirror, and they kind of go, "Oh,

3:12 that's me!" They move their hand and that hand moves,

3:15 and they realize that that's them.

3:17 So they have a physical awareness, if you will.

3:20 But they haven't yet developed an awareness of their emotional self,

3:23 which is why you get the terrible twos.

3:25 So when a two-year-old is hungry, the world is hungry and why aren't we eating?

3:30 So there's that kind of intensity, that egocentricity in a two-year-old.

3:35 That's where they kind of get to test the power.

3:38 So in the supermarket, it's "Mom, mom, that that, me, me, food, food,

3:41 me, me, me, food," and they kind of bother you to a great extent.

3:45 And then again, it's witnessable,

3:48 this moment where they suddenly realize that not

3:50 only are they physically separate from you,

3:52 but their emotions are not your emotions.

3:55 You may have witnessed this with a child

3:58 walking down the aisle in the supermarket, eyes, streaming red,

4:02 bawling in frustration and rage that they can't get what they want,

4:07 and then looking at you completely baffled,

4:10 like: "Why aren't you crying?" "We're hungry;

4:12 we want those chocolates." (Laughter) There's that bafflement in their eyes,

4:17 that sort of thousand yard stare.

4:19 And that's the emergence of the awareness of the emotional self,

4:22 separate from the parent or the caregiver.

4:25 So that's a sort of second level up,

4:27 but it's not until they get to three to six years old that they

4:30 get into the "conceptual self," and part

4:32 of that emergence is a sense of identity.

4:35 So it's what you would know as consciousness,

4:37 is they start to become aware- not only that they're physically,

4:41 emotionally separate, but they've got an identity.

4:43 And it blossoms between three and six years old.

4:46 One of the things that happens in the emergence of conceptual self is language.

4:49 So language is essentially a concept: it's a noise to represent something.

4:53 So the emergence of conceptual self happens,

4:56 and we start to label our universe- you know,

4:59 cat, dog, bat, ball, window, floor, and so on.

5:02 So the world starts to make sense and we start to be able to navigate.

5:06 Children between the age of three and six

5:08 learn about six new words every single day.

5:10 There's phenomenal language acquisition going on.

5:13 But only from the fourth level, which is called concrete consciousness,

5:17 they start to learn the rules that govern the concepts.

5:21 Then it all starts to make sense: why is a dog a dog and a cat a cat?

5:25 Why is a mummy a mummy and daddy a daddy?

5:27 What's the rule?

5:28 It's in that between six and nine years old that the fun starts to happen.

5:32 So if you speak to a seven-year-old,

5:34 you can start to have fun by playing against the rules- you know,

5:38 look at that cat going woof-woof?

5:39 No!

5:41 Cats go meow!

5:43 They don't go woof-woof.

5:45 And it makes them laugh because you're playing against the rules.

5:49 There's this whole rule emergence that occurs in a child between six and nine.

5:53 And then that's where most people stay...

5:59 (Laughter) Most of the people you're going to meet,

6:04 20, 30, 40, on the inside: nine!

6:07 (Laughter) See it in accompanies all the time:

6:11 toys out of the pram, behaving like children.

6:13 It's very common.

6:15 There is an attempt, usually in the early teenage years,

6:17 to get beyond that concrete self,

6:19 to get beyond the rules, which is why you get teenage conflict.

6:23 You'll see it, and parents try to suppress this, like it's a bad thing.

6:27 It's a developmental stage!

6:28 You shouldn't be suppressing this stuff; they're testing the rules.

6:31 So this battle ensues: you told me to be home at ten, I want to be home at 11.

6:36 You told me to be honest; you're not being honest, and the fight breaks out.

6:40 And they have their whole turbulent teenage years.

6:43 Regardless of who wins that battle, whether it's mom or dad or the child,

6:47 it bubbles along for a few years.

6:49 Now eventually, regardless of who wins the battle, they leave home- hopefully.

6:54 (Laughter) (Applause) They go!

7:03 Right?

7:05 But then a much bigger parent called society comes in and imposes its rules.

7:10 So a lot of people go back into the concrete,

7:13 not like transferred but back in the concrete following a set of rules,

7:16 that we start to believe that we've got to get a degree,

7:19 we've got to get a job, a relationship, a car, a house,

7:23 we've got to get all these things to be a good corporate citizen.

7:27 So we start to follow the rules, and we enter a company,

7:29 and we start to work our way up the career ladder, following the rules.

7:35 So a lot of people you'll encounter are back in that concrete,

7:38 their life become stereotypical.

7:40 You'll see people talk about this: "That's not how we do things at this company.

7:44 You'll be the Chief Executive, I'll be the Chief Financial Officer.

7:47 That's how we do it around here." It's a set of rules that we're all following,

7:51 and we're often not even aware of those rules.

7:53 And that will often happen for the rest of your life;

7:56 you don't even realize you're running the rules.

7:58 By the way, these rules weren't given to you with your permission;

8:01 they were just imposed by parents or society.

8:05 We're not even aware of it.

8:07 If you're lucky, you have a crisis.

8:10 At some point in your life,

8:12 something terrible happens to get you to question the rules.

8:15 Now, most people this never happens to- or if it does,

8:18 it doesn't cause them to question.

8:20 That might be the loss of a loved one,

8:22 the loss of a relationship or something terrible happens,

8:25 usually, most commonly, in midlife.

8:27 Then you enter the stage what we call "the disease of meaning," is it

8:31 starts to occur to you there's something wrong with the picture of your life.

8:34 I've been following all these rules, and it hasn't delivered.

8:38 I thought if I was a good corporate citizen,

8:41 and I got a good job, and a good house, and paid tax and all of that stuff,

8:44 I would be happy and blissful forever; and I'm not.

8:48 That's the disease of meaning, and that is real pain.

8:52 If that happens in a religious context, people call it purgatory.

8:56 I mean, literally, it's hell on earth.

8:58 So people get into this state and often they lash out,

9:00 they become unpleasant and negative and so

9:03 on, because they're basically in pain.

9:05 Now there are two strategies to that pain.

9:08 First strategy- much loved by students- anaesthetic.

9:11 (Laughter) Because if I can blot out the meaning of life,

9:17 that kind of existential question- if I'm wasted on a Friday night,

9:21 I don't have to think about what's the meaning of all this.

9:24 It just goes away as a question.

9:26 So then some people do this every night,

9:29 some people every weekend, getting wasted, either through alcohol and drugs.

9:32 But the problem is when the hangover wears off,

9:35 the question returns; it's still there.

9:39 You can't answer it.

9:40 If you're smart, you realize anesthetics won't help you.

9:43 So you get into the second strategy, which is distraction.

9:46 There are lots of different types of distraction.

9:49 That distraction can simply be that you become a gym bunny.

9:53 Let's pump some iron.

9:55 Because when I'm feeling the burn, I don't have to think about the question.

9:59 So I become "the body beautiful," stuck at the gym the whole time,

10:04 getting the kick on the endorphins and so on.

10:07 But you realize that, actually,

10:08 when you get away from the gym, the question is there again.

10:12 So the gym doesn't solve it.

10:13 So you might use a very common strategy: sex...

10:17 Right?

10:18 Because while I am engaged in the intimacy of the sexual union,

10:21 I don't have to think about the question, because I'm too busy doing this.

10:25 (Laughter) But you may have noticed that when the act is over,

10:32 that bloody question comes back again.

10:35 So some people go even more nuts: I'll have sex with two people,

10:38 (Laughter) then a whole crowd- desperately trying

10:42 to get away from this question that's bothering them: the meaning of their life.

10:48 So if sex doesn't work- and it doesn't,

10:50 ultimately- then you get into materialism: shoes!

10:54 I'll go and buy some shoes.

10:56 Or a car, or a house, or a yacht.

10:59 So we get into materialism, or some people that we see,

11:02 very common in industry, workaholism- they become work-addicted.

11:04 Because while I am working that hard, having to do stuff,

11:07 I don't have to think about the question.

11:09 None of that solves the problem.

11:11 Because we mistakenly believe that the problem is

11:14 out there and the solution is out there, whereas the real problem is in here.

11:19 You cannot solve your sense of emptiness,

11:22 or your unrest, with an external solution outside of yourself.

11:26 So stop looking out there, you have to look in here,

11:29 and particularly to look at your own emotional experience.

11:33 Now, most people go through their life completely unaware of emotions,

11:37 particularly us fellows, right?

11:38 If somebody mentions the word "emotions," we run for the hills!

11:43 Emotions are just energy in motion, they're composite biological signals:

11:46 the signals made up of all the pounding heart rate, the sweaty palms,

11:50 the tension in the muscles or whatever is going on biologically,

11:53 it's stereotypical energetic patterns- energy in motion, they are e-motions.

11:58 Now, we all have emotions,

12:00 every single second of every single day, even us fellows.

12:03 Feelings, however, are something entirely different.

12:05 Feelings are the awareness in our mind of the energy.

12:08 So the energy is always there but we don't necessarily feel it,

12:11 and that's where we're stuck- is we haven't

12:15 really learned to understand our own emotional life.

12:18 So we go through our life believing how we're feeling

12:20 on a moment by moment basis is down to somebody else.

12:23 We actually say this: "You annoyed me," "You made me unhappy," "You

12:28 did it to me," and we point the finger at other people,

12:32 believing other people are the cause of our own unhappiness.

12:35 So newsflash: nobody's doing it to you.

12:39 Nobody's making you feel these things.

12:41 I mean, what do you think that happens

12:43 when you get frustrated with somebody else?

12:46 Did they come up to you and inject you with frustration,

12:48 with the chemicals of frustration?

12:51 Did they create the electrical signals of frustration,

12:53 the pressure waves, the sound waves?

12:55 No.

12:56 You did that.

12:58 You created that inside yourself in response to their poor behavior.

13:03 So, if you can accept that you're doing it- it's not them,

13:09 it's you- that simple truth takes you from what we call the victim position,

13:15 and it crosses the threshold to ownership.

13:19 That's the most important transition you'll ever make in your life.

13:22 So to help you navigate that, first and foremost,

13:25 you have to understand where am I in the universe of emotions.

13:28 If I asked you to write down your current emotions and gave you five minutes,

13:32 you'd have a list of things, and then we said, OK,

13:34 put your hands up who's got how many, and we did a test of how many you got,

13:39 the average in a room like this would be about ten or twelve.

13:42 There are 34,000 emotions that you can experience.

13:47 Most people go through life with ten or twelve.

13:49 And just to try to help you navigate,

13:51 I'll show you an app that we've built to help

13:54 people know where they are in the universe of emotions.

13:56 So we've plotted all these emotions on a map, and this map shows you the axes.

14:03 So, to the top of the axis in the universe of emotions,

14:08 we've got the ones that are, sort of, more energy, if you like,

14:12 and to the bottom the ones that are more relaxed.

14:14 To the left the ones that are more positive

14:16 and to the right the ones that are more negative.

14:19 So you can see that we've plotted maybe the 20 commonest emotions there,

14:22 and as I'm talking to you, right now, you're somewhere on this grid.

14:26 You're somewhere in the universe experiencing one of these planets,

14:30 and we can bring in the next 100 emotions,

14:33 we can bring in the next 200 emotions, the next 1,000.

14:37 So we've built this app to try and crowd source with you all 34,000,

14:40 we've built it with just 2,000 as a starter.

14:43 And you can enter into one of the 64 galaxies that exist and start

14:50 to navigate round and see where you are

14:52 in relation to some of the other emotions,

14:55 because if you don't know where you are, you're lost.

14:59 Now, you'd never get control of your own state,

15:02 and it's really important for your health,

15:04 for your well-being, for your success, whatever you're doing,

15:06 whether you're a sportsperson or a business leader,

15:09 that you can start to control your own

15:11 emotional state of what's going on for you.

15:13 If you don't know where you are, how can you possibly control any of this stuff?

15:17 The answer is you can't.

15:19 So the start of the journey is even knowing which planet are you on.

15:24 This is designed to help you, and you can see in the top corner there,

15:27 it shows you roughly where you are in the universe, at any point in time.

15:31 Now, we can zoom in into one of these 64

15:35 galaxies and look at a specific solar system.

15:37 So, where do we go into?

15:39 Maybe, Sociable.

15:40 We can see.

15:41 So let's zoom in to the solar system of Sociable

15:44 and start to see what planets are around you.

15:47 If you want to move from Sociable to something else

15:49 and then gradually navigate yourself to a different part of the universe,

15:53 you can see where you are.

15:56 Most importantly, you can track where you are, so you can enter some notes.

16:00 You visit the planet of, I don't know, Popular.

16:04 I felt popular today.

16:06 People came up and gave me various messages, and I felt popular.

16:09 And you could enter how popular you felt

16:12 or you didn't feel and actually keep an audit trail,

16:15 and you can socialize this with your mates.

16:17 You can either share it on Facebook or tweet it or Gmail it and see, well,

16:24 who else is in the solar system of Sociable

16:27 or even on the planet Popular- who else is out there.

16:30 And I can track, as it does with these audit trails, of where I've been.

16:34 So this is your start point,

16:35 starting to get a grip of do you even know which planet you're

16:39 on, which are the nearest planets and how you can start to move around,

16:43 start to get some navigational capability within that universe.

16:48 So the first thing is you've got to learn navigational potential,

16:51 and this is designed to help you build your emotional repertoire.

16:54 So you're not just stuck with twelve emotions, or in some people frankly: two!

17:00 I feel "yuck" or "OK," the only two motions they've got.

17:05 So you've got to build a repertoire,

17:07 and what you discover as you start to build a repertoire,

17:10 some emotions are better antidotes than others.

17:13 So you can start to navigate around.

17:16 The second maneuver,

17:17 once you've started to navigate around the universe, is really,

17:21 once you get to a more constructive planet,

17:24 there's no right and wrong, but is this emotion really serving you?

17:27 When you get to a more constructive planet, can you stay there?

17:31 And that really requires you to do a separate maneuver, it's called Mastery,

17:35 where you actually take the emotion which

17:38 is subject to you- it's a subjective experience,

17:41 below the level of your real awareness, you're sort of subject to it, i.e.

17:47 it's got you.

17:48 So if you've got anger, if anger is going through your system,

17:52 if you're on the planet of Anger, it's got you.

17:54 You haven't got it; it's got you.

17:57 The way to get control over it is to objectify it.

18:00 Like, "Oh, it is anger." So you take it out as a subjective experience,

18:04 and you objectify it.

18:05 And if you can objectify it, you can get a grip of it.

18:08 If you can do that with your positive emotions,

18:11 then you can move yourself over to the positive

18:13 side of the universe and stay there.

18:16 So you really don't have to feel anything you do not want to feel.

18:21 Misery is optional, you don't have to feel that.

18:25 But if you haven't got control, then who has?

18:28 And the answer is usually somebody outside of you.

18:31 So I'd really encourage you,

18:33 if you want to transform your life forever- because,

18:35 ultimately, emotions will predict your health, they'll predict your performance,

18:40 your wellbeing, your sense of fulfillment,

18:42 they'll determine your ability to make effective decisions,

18:47 emotions drive all of that, your motivation and so on.

18:50 If you don't know about them and have control over them,

18:53 it's a little bit of a lottery as life.

18:56 So if you go away after today,

18:58 and ask yourself one question: what planet am I on?

19:03 And what planet would I like to be on?

19:05 And start to work to be on the planet that you

19:08 want to be on rather than wherever life has pushed you.

19:13 Imagine a world where all of us could be on the planet we wanted to be

19:18 on, or navigate around that kind of solar

19:20 system or the galaxies that we wanted to experience.

19:23 Imagine a world where,

19:25 when you go to the bar to chat up that attractive person at the bar,

19:29 you didn't need four pints of Dutch courage before you could go there.

19:33 Imagine you could just do that yourself.

19:36 Imagine a world where you didn't need to feel

19:39 anxious going into an exam or a job interview,

19:42 where you didn't need to feel terrified coming on stage.

19:45 Imagine a world where your children,

19:47 on the receiving end of bullying, didn't feel terrified or bullied.

19:52 If you could control your emotions, you can change your life completely.

19:57 So I'd really encourage you to start wondering about what

20:01 planet you're on and start putting yourself in the universe,

20:05 in that part of the universe where you really want to live your life.

20:09 Thank you very much.

20:10 (Applause)